Criminal #36- Walmart "You probably could have seen this coming..."

I'm going to make this short and sweet because today is my birthday and I don't want to spend it ranting.
Answer this simple survey:
1) Have you seen the documentary 'Wal-Town'?
-If your answer is no, go rent it.
2) Go here: http://www.ruggedelegantliving.com/change/a/WalmartFacts.htm
-You're thinking 'So what, that was 2003.' Well, yes, yes it was. Imagine what it must be now.

I can't really begin to sum up what I learned from 'Wal-Town'. It was helpful viewing it as a Canadian, because the trip these six activists took were through the biggest Walmarts in Canada. I recognized a few of them (which is difficult because they all look the same).
To whet your appetite a bit more before I start compiling tomorrow:
http://www.wakeupwalmart.com/facts/

Can you wait 24 hours? The suspense is killing you, I know! God, Walmart pisses me off.

I've taken a shuttle pod and escaped the Brapocalypse... possibly

Today I went to work with the intention of politely quitting to my managers face and, I had hoped, watching her squirm as she read over the Employee Standards email.

Unfortunately she wasn't in until 1:00, and I'll be damned if I'm spending four extra hours there. I will not give them the satisfaction, no siree. So I wrote a polite letter, outlining that I felt I was left with no alternative but to leave my job. As well, I included a copy of the ES email and informed her that I was filing a formal complaint with them and head office and, I'm sure, she would be hearing from them shortly. Stef and Candace both read the note to act as witnesses to my (what I feel to be very polite) explanation. I gave it, along with a brief assessment of my feelings to the manager from Calgary who was up here training. Unfortunately, she is very level headed and reminds me a lot of a girl I knew growing up who was a total sweetheart, so that made it a little more difficult, but I still walked away without any regrets.

Now to see if I hear back from head office. If I don't within, say, the next 24 hours (starting now, 10:30 am my time) I will contact employee standards. As well, I'm posting a big ol' message on facebook for any of my fellow (ex) coworkers if they'd like to join this little protest.

Quite frankly I'd love to get a call from May asking me wtf is up, because she's no longer my boss and I'm no longer required to show her any respect. Despite that, I probably still would, to a certain extent. Don't get me wrong, I've taken it this far, I'm certainly going to stand my ground now. The only thing that bugs me about this is that I'm the one employee that hasn't been there 90 days, so any termination pay, bla bla bla whatever that could be gained from it, I can't get. Which is all right I suppose, because now it's more about seeing some form of justice done.

Will update as situation requires. This is only going to get more interesting folks.

Do you think there are four Victoria Secret models as a sign of the Brapocalypse?

As of yesterday there are four, count them, four members of the "old" staff still remaining at La Senza. Myself, L, Lisa, and Steph.

The story as I've heard it, Mal, D, and Rhonda all had their pay cut and keys taken away for a variety of reasons. A quick glance at the Employment Standards board reveals this:

"If an employer intends to reduce an employee's wage rate, overtime rate, general holiday pay, vacation pay or termination pay, the employee must be notified before the start of the pay period in which the reduction is to take effect. However, these rates must always be at least the minimum required by the legislated standards."

So that's one more illegal thing courtesy of La Senza.

Further more:
"There are some deductions that are not allowed, even with a written authorization from the employee. You cannot take deductions for faulty workmanship. Also, you may not deduct for cash shortages or loss of property where more than one person has access to the cash or property."

D was accused of stealing (without any evidence) which is why her keys were taken. This may or may not apply here...

If anyone knows anything else about wage deductions, let me know. This shit is going down soon. May is on to me, I was getting dirty scowls all day.

Bring it on.

...And continues

A reply from the Employee Standards Board:

"An employee may quit their job and file a complaint with ES alleging that they were forced to leave or constructively dismissed. Employment Standards will accept and investigate complaints in such circumstances. Each case will be decided on its own particular facts and the reasons for the action taken by the employer.
The act of quitting must be a voluntary one on the part of the employee. If it is not, the employer will be found to have terminated the employee.While the Code does not specifically refer to constructive dismissal in the context of employee termination, an employee's reasons for quitting must be considered when assessing whether the employee's actions were voluntary.

Constructive dismissal arises when an employer unilaterally does something so contrary to the employment relationship that the action forces the employee to quit.Actions which can be considered to be constructive dismissal include:a significant change in employment status or working conditions.a dramatic reduction in wages without proper notice.In cases of constructive dismissal, the act of quitting by the employee is not voluntary. For this reason, the employer will be required to provide termination pay."

Iiiiinteresting La Senza...

The Brapocalypse Continues...

I've sent in an inquiry to the Alberta Employment Standards (board?), so hopefully they'll be able to offer me some advice. I'm also in the process of filing a complaint with head office, although I'm worried it will go to Christy, who appears to be the mastermind behind the whole situation. I also sent in some resumes to a few places over the weekend so hopefully I'll hear back from at least one person soon. I can't stand La Senza.

Interesting note, during my insane search of the internet on Friday to find a proper way to file a formal complaint with head office, I located this little jem: http://www.nowtoronto.com/issues/2003-05-08/news_feature.php

The basic gist of it is that Gina Form is one of the few labour factories on that side of the world (Bangkok to be exact) that had a union, decent wages, and offered basic human rights to their employees. Well around 2003 new management took over and fired 40 union members and began to harass employees to sign new employment contracts that denied them these rights and other bullshit.

So what does La Senza do? Cuts ties with Gina Form.

No, you employ these people, you arguably have some amount of power in this situation. It is up to you, as a giant, evil, North American corporation to use this power for good ( I wish ). I don't know who makes the bras now, or where we get them. I also don't know what happened to Gina Form. All I do know is that factories that are supplying their employees with basic human rights, instead of, say, forcing them to work 12 hour days till their fingers bleed, need to be protected and supported. La Senza could have gotten involved, foreign conflict or not, and put a stop to this sort of management abuse.

Then again, we all know what La Senza thinks about management...

Criminal #35: La Senza "The Brapocalypse Has Begun"

This is not a joke. This is not something that is meant to be taken in light jest. This is a serious problem. I have never been so angry before. Coca Cola combined with Pepsi combined with Nestle couldn't make me as utterly pissed off as I am right now.

Let me say this right off the bat; La Senza, I am taking you down. It might take me a month, it might take me a year but you will pay for the injustices you have laid upon good people. You will pay for firing the best manager and regional supervisor, two of the nicest people I have ever met. You will pay for being a morally reprehensible corporation. You. Will. Pay.

Here's the low down:

I began working at La Senza, a Canadian bra emporium (Think Victoria's Secret for Canada and parts of Europe) just two months ago. At the time there were two people in charge (Names changed for the safety and concern of the people involved.) Annie, the regional supervisor (as I understand it she looked after the four stores in our city, two La Senza's and two La Senza Girl's, one of each for the two malls in town.) There was also Lily (I totally suck at changing names, HA!) who was the store manager for us, STORE 207. THAT IS 207, BOWER MALL, RED DEER, ALBERTA.
Here is the basic timeline of what happened:

-Roughly three weeks in to my working, Annie is let go citing her position is being cut all along Canada. She has been with the company for years and could easily run our store single handedly. The staff are all very sad to see her leave but we keep going, after all we still have Lily.

-Two to three weeks after that, during Lily's day off (Very important point), the new supervisor of the area (information about this is sketchy) CHRISTY (oh my god, that's her real name) brings in May, the new 'Co-Manager' of not only 207, but the La Senza girl across from us, as well as the La Senza girl up at Parkland, the other mall on the other side of town. Remember, this was on Lily's day off, none of us, least of all Lily knew that May was coming. No one was informed about the new management position being created DESPITE several assistant managers and team leaders (key holders) being told in the past that should management positions open, they would be given first shot at it. We are all stunned.

-At this point alarm bells are going off. May puts no effort into getting to know anyone. Christy is being silent about the whole issue. I see Lily that day, she, one of the nicest people I know, looks mightily pissed off.

-Two weeks later (roughly) a Wednesday, Lily walks out. She has had enough.

And here's the roaming theory about what happened: Annie's position was cut, okay, I get that. Costs and what not. She was offered a management position which she declined, it would have been a step down for her.

Lily walks. Why does she walk? Very simple, along with the insanely passive aggressive actions of head office (IE: bringing in NEW MANAGEMENT without informing the MANAGER and on her day off no less) they drove Lily away. Now, I know we can easily say "Well, stand up for yourself. Don't take it." But remember, these are women. Women are bitches. I'm allowed to say that because A) I'm a woman B) I'm really pissed off and C) It wasn't that long ago that I was in high school and I can clearly remember the evil that was every girl I went to school with. We are conniving, we are bitter, we are cruel. And if she didn't walk, they would have fired her sooner or later.

OKAY, so after some venting, and silent rebellion by the staff, most of us seem to be getting used to May. I figured a lot of our rage against her was just misdirected. We were really, subconsciously pissed off at head office.

That was until last week, when I arrived and was told by several of the girls that May was mad because I missed a shift. Um, what? Apparently, so did my counterpart, who works the other half of the part time stock girl shift, we'll just call her L. for now because I can't think of anything else. Well, L had already cleared her days off with Lily, so this was easily cleared up, and May claims that she never made those comments about MY missed shifts. I give her the benefit of the doubt.

Wednesday, March 25th. There are 16, count them, 16 job interviews going on that day. There are not that many positions available. The thoughts of the staff? They're trying to do to us what they did to Lily.

Even then, I was willing to ignore that, I mean, I'm just a lowly stock girl, right? Why replace me? Together L and I make this great team, she takes half the shifts, I take the other half, and then we cross paths and get loads of stuff done all at once. It's great. It worked for the last two months. For the last two weeks or so we had been hearing that May was looking to hire a full time stock girl. Okay, that means our jobs are about to get cut. I wasn't too worried because I had been hired under the assumption that in a few months I would move to full time. (I had a back surgery in December and was just waiting to fully heal before I started. I discussed with with April- I mean May, OOPS, last week before my last Doctor's appointment. She did not follow up with me. Let me add at this point that Lily was uber concerned about my condition. Granted, that's not important to the story, but that says a lot about the character of the manager when one of them is constantly asking you if you need to go home early and the other one doesn't give a flying fuck.)

Okay, so L and I are in working this morning, two days after the major job interviews. Mal, EX-Assistant manager (because apparently her old job got cut too) comes in and tells us "There's a new full time stock girl."

L and I just stare.

Yes, there is a new full time stock girl. Ignore the fact that L and I make up one full time position AND the company doesn't have to pay benefits to us. May still felt the need to hire someone to replace us.

Just who is this someone?

She is a 17 year old drop out.

I won Most Inspirational Student when I graduated. She hasn't even been able to get that far.
So, of course I went from thinking "It's not personal" to "It's fucking personal, this fucking company, I'm going to fucking take them down." Which is what I plan on doing, somehow.

Why is she doing this? Simple, when May took over she got one hell of a rebellion, no one bothered to hide their discontent with the whole situation, Lily was forced out of her job. It was terrible, cruel, and wrong on many levels. May knows she can't win over the staff (in fact, I don't think she ever planned on it seeing as how she never bothered to get to know us at all.) So she begins to hire new people, making us feel as though we're being replaced, which of course we are. Legally, they can't fire most of us (I am the exception as I haven't been employed for 90 days yet) without reason. Technically they would have to cut all the positions and rename them to fire everyone, lest they face the wrath of human resources.

What can we do about it? Not a damn thing, because it goes further than just May. Another coworker, we'll call her D, contacted Christy, regional supervisor, after Lily walked, and what did Christy say? "Did she leave her key?"

That says something right there. When the first response to an excellent manager walking isn't "Holy shit, what happened?" but "Did she leave her key?" That tells me that this was planned, this was intentional. This childish, high school attitude to shun people and force them out of the popular clique that is La Senza, disgusts me in every way possible. So who can we go to? When May is a bitch, Christy is her mistress, and everyone above them are completely clueless? What do you do? Take things into your own hands, that's what. Along with getting several testimonies from my ex coworkers, I plan on filing a formal complaint to human resources, and raising more than a little bit of hell (and anyone who knows me, knows I'm capable of it.)

So here's what I need from you: Do not buy from La Senza. Direct people you know to this article and convince them not to buy from La Senza. If anyone has any legal expertise at all, or suggestions at how I can go about getting some justice please let me know. Apart from filing complaints and burning bras at protests, I'm fresh out of ideas. Either way, I'm walking next friday (I can easily get a reference from Annie or Lily, so I'm not too worried. Plus, I made friends with a guy at a mall kiosk looking to hire someone and he said he'd give me a call.)

I'll be fine. But you, La Senza Canada (Specifically store 207 in Bower Mall, Red Deer.) You will not be fine. You are about to have this shit blow up in your face. And I will be there smiling all the goddamned way.

I almsot forgot to add, not once were any of us A) introduced to the new people or B) told that new people were coming (let a lone a new stock girl.) Why not? Why not have a staff meeting and say "You know, I'm going to be hiring five new people..." You know why? Because they're replacements, not additions.

Criminal #34 LEGO "Legooooonoooo"

I played with LEGO a lot when I was a kid. My second eldest brother, Greg, loved the stuff. I think he must have gotten LEGO for every present-giving occasions under the sun. LEGO for Christmas, LEGO for his birthday. It was great because he really had (and I assume still does) an eye for building in the 3D. We have an infamous LEGO city in our basement which regrettably was destroyed when we moved. Not sure if any pictures of it still exist.

So yes, as a girl, I loved played with LEGO. No, I wasn't really a tomboy. I mean, I wasn't girly by any means, I didn't really fit in anywhere on the scale. I loved LEGO.

Now, not so much. Take a look:

Dinosaur, plane, tank, ship. Ignoring the fact that right off the bat I can think of two LEGO sets that actually allow a person to build a plane AND a ship, making the three or four block creations redundant, here's my beef.

Those four things are male oriented. Now, as always I know what you're probably thinking. "But Kathleen, you're the one who stresses that kids should be able to play with any toys no matter what gender! What's stopping the girls from playing with the tanks?"

Nothing at all. The problem is the average mind isn't going to think "Oh my gosh! I have breasts and I love that dinosaur!" Society has, once again, created such a firm image of what girls and boys should play with, that I'm almost positive the average girl would scoff at the thought of playing with a tank or a dinosaur or a plane. Why should they? I loved it. What is stopping LEGO from easing into a new free-thought-gender-free toy campaign? Why not have a castle in there? Something that either gender could play with? Knights in shining armour, princesses. Granted, it still plays up the age old stereotype but at the very least, the ad would appeal to boys and girls alike.

It gets worse. I was googling some LEGO ads, hoping I could find proof that LEGO aims for young boys far more than girls (all I could find was the following, and seeing as it was the ONLY one I could find, it doesn't really validate my point.)

In my e-hunt I discovered the following three ads which made me more than a little uneasy.

(Click for bigger images)

Let's get one thing straight. There is a time and place to teach your child that the world is cruel. Through an advertisement of a loveable childhood toy would be the WRONG way. In what world is that acceptable at all? Disaster, famine, destruction? Should those really be mixing with innocence? Do you want you child to believe that the world can be so easily rebuilt with a few blocks? I guarantee you those people escaping genocide and famine don't consider it easy. Those are serious topics made mockerys. In no way should people stand for that sort of shit; it disgusts me.

Criminal #33 PETA "...Seawhatnow?"

So, PETA has always been a sort of hit and miss situation with me. I've always been against animal testing (except, as stated in my Covergirl post, where it might be medically relevant. *Note, 'medically' and not 'cosmetically') but to me, PETA just takes it to extremes.

Just a quick point here, if this should ever become well known and someone goes on some PETA database somewhere and says "Hey, Kathleen! Your name is on it!" Yes, yes it is. You know why? Because they were giving away free stickers and I wanted some goddamned mail.

Antifur? Okay, yes, in a day and age where the fake thing is so readily available and, let's face it, probably no worse than the real thing. Leather? Meh, personally I'm not into it, but others are, and that's cool. Plenty of cultures are based off of the harmony between man and animal. Being Canadian, I grew up learning all about the Native American traditions, the sort of respect they held for the environment and the animals they hunted. In my own opinion that's good, that's the circle of life, big deal!

I could even put up with "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" campaign that seemed to show up in every magazine I bothered to glance through. Then, once more, good ol' AdFreak brought something to my attention:

I'm sorry, what? Kittens of the Sea? Have you ever even seen a kitten? Or a fish for that matter? I might be mistaken but I'm pretty sure there are a few differences between them, one being a fish is a freaking fish, dude! Kittens are mammals. MAMMALS.

Kittens of the Sea, dear god! There is one thing to be said about posting provocative ads that will allow a person to form their own educated guess. There's something else to be said about calling fish freaking kittens of the goddamned sea, evoking an image of, I don't know what, some kind of cutesie furry fish with pointy ears and whiskers.

And you know why they did it? Because kids eat that shit up. Kids are impressionable. Kids think fish are cute. Kids think kittens are cute (alternate ideas for the campaign were puppies of the river and ponies of the pond). Kids will see ads like that, with it's tastefully minimalistic amount of words and think "I can't eat a kitten! I can't eat a fishy!" Next thing you know mom is sending thousands of unused tins of tuna to the foodbank because the children won't eat it.

No, what PETA has done here is manipulative beyond words. Aiming for impressionable children is morally reprehensible as far as I'm concerned. Let a child make an educated choice when they are older, when they can understand the consequences of having meat-free diets, when they realize they'll be taking supplements for the rest of their lives and eating what can only be described as a crap-load of legumes. Children won't understand those consequences. They aren't wired to 'get it'.

Now the following, despite their sexual nature, are still better representations of PETA's anti-animal-demise message:

The irony in this being that Paris Hilton would go naked for a quarter inch of a Klondike Bar.

Criminal #32 Yoplait "Can I get some chocolate covered sexism with that?"

When? When, when, when, when will the sexism end? That's my new song. It's pretty catchy. It even sort of rhymes, which is amazing because I'm a woman and logically I shouldn't be able to get my mind off of either chocolate, shopping, or shopping for chocolates (in chocolate shoes apparently.)

Now, I love yogurt. I'm a huge yogurt person. It's tangy, and sweet, and smooth and so very delicious.

Yoplait makes yogurt un-delicious. Yoplait makes me want to take my chocolate handgun and go postal. There will be milk duds flying everywhere, strawberry carnage, blueberries massacred on the sidewalk.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a spa treatment would be awesome, and eating yogurt during said spa treatment would probably be... well, like eating yogurt during a spa treatment. Buy why, out of every possible activity imaginable, did Yoplait choose to show those two women in a spa? Ignoring for the fact that they couldn't get their heads off of the chocolatey goodness topic, why couldn't they have been discussing it while skydiving? Or rescuing hostages from a 1904 day old standoff in Israel? Or maybe, I don't know, in an office, doing a job like normal people? Or, and here's something that will absolutely blow. your. mind.

Why couldn't MEN have been enjoying that yogurt? I'll tell you why. Because society has made yogurt a health-conscious thing, and as we all know, women are far, far more health conscious than men, at least according to the advertising we see. Yes, there is absolutely no way yogurt would be considered a manly snack (Yoplait now in malt liquor flavor?) So of course, they had to bring in the women to enjoy the yogurt... while at the spa... discussing shoes...and chocolate... and something about marrying a masseuse, I don't know I was tuning it out by the end there.

Criminal #31 Pantene Pro V "...I'm sorry, what?"

I'm sorry, what? I was distracted there for a second.

Criminals #29 and 30 Those Religious and Athiest Ads On Buses "Does Your Religion or Lack There Of Understand Hypocrisy?"

First, let me get this straight... I can't add Religion or Atheism (whatever) to the list simply because it is a faith/belief and, to ask someone to give that up simply for this social experiment would be wrong. However, I am going to address something that caught my eye today. The hypocrisy of anyone spouting any religion, and Atheists.

Okay, okay, bare with me, this isn't going to be a "The Bible says that but then you do this" rant or "There is no God, science proves that" Rant. I don't care what you believe, or how you believe it. I, personally, think having a faith of some sort, in at least a minuscule amount can be good for a person which is why whenever anyone asks me what my religion is I always tell them that I believe in a higher power which is possibly a woman, or maybe a cat. I'm not sure.

However, just because you believe (or don't) in something doesn't mean you have the right to force others to believe (or not) in whatever it is. (Sorry, I'm listening to Hawksley Workman right now so my level of distraction is pretty high. And in case anyone is wondering, yes the concert was fantastic and I borrowed some money so I officially own all 10 of his albums. Yay me!)

While hunting on AdFreak (http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak), my new favorite place to find advertisements, I noticed this bizarre number of Anti-Atheism and Anti-Religion ads being put out by the religious folks and atheists respectively. I wasn't going to pay much attention to, again, believe what you want. I don't necessarily think that either idea should be shoved down our throats, and I'd like to be able to walk down the street without being told I'm either wrong for believing whatever I do, or I'm going to hell because I don't believe enough. Sort of like Separation of Church and State I suppose.

However, when I opened up the local newspaper today I was hit by this headline: Atheist Bus Ads Hit Calgary (http://www.albertalocalnews.com/reddeeradvocate/news/provincial/Atheist_bus_ads_hit_Calgary.html)

Okay, yes, whatever you want. I guess if you have the money to waste then go right ahead but here's what caught my attention (it isn't shown on the Advocate website, I'm quoting from the Newspaper itself) this mini bolded byline:

Ron Collins, with Calgary Transit, said there will be six buses carrying the Freethought Association message for one month.

Um, okay? Key word there being Freethought. Naturally I assumed that was what I was doing when I decided that I wanted to believe in something but I guess maybe all those years of being brainwashed have finally come back to bite me in the asswaiddaminute.

This begs the question, are people, Atheists or Religious folks alike, really so thick that they can't notice their own hypocrisy? Yes, I'm aware there is lots of it throughout all religions, whatever.

Believe what you want people, I don't give a flying fuck. The important thing is to believe what you want and not be influenced by anyone, idiots at the so-called 'Freethought Association' or whoever. So that's my rant, I'm putting the Freethought Association on the list, also, mind control cults, because they make me laugh.
Kelti, if you are reading this, I still really, really want to infiltrate a cult one day, are you still game? (Wait, were you the one I suggested that to? You probably were because I think you're the only one crazy enough to go along with my bizarre schemes.)
And now, for some other Anti-Atheism and Anti-Religion ads for your enjoyment.

Criminal #28 Skittles ("Ah... awww...")

This one made me think of my brother, Greg, who seems to have made it his life's mission to hunt down a cheaply made, mail order, Asian suit for 30 bucks. I don't think he's succeeded so far.

So let's examine this one for stupidity first, shall we?

Firstly, "Wait, I don't have..." No, sir, you do not have a package of Skittles in you're jacket pocket. You know what else you don't have? The genetic coding to make you Asian or African American, or Hispanic. I know this may comes as a shock to you but... well, you're whiter than Conan O'Brian's upper thighs, so really, the shock of having no Skittles shouldn't come as that big of a surprise to you.

Now, yes, I know, that was the point of the commercial. Oh haha, silly white man doesn't notice three separate reflections in the mirror but he does notice candy! Oh ha ha ha! Aaah. Yes, I get it, that doesn't mean it isn't stupid. Even getting passed the idiocy of that we have to look at the certain roles being played here.

1) White man getting a nicely tailored suit by kindly old Asian man. Three cheers for White Power? Personally, looking at it, I would have to say I would have found it a little more comical if it was an Asian man getting tailored (by anyone of any race) only to discover that he has A) No Skittles and B) is actually secretly a white man (perhaps Conan could have been free to play the reflective image?)

Getting passed the all other elasticities unobservant to the white man issue for a moment, (and ignoring the fact that the Hispanic guy and African American are all like, Meh, whateves man, I'm looking pretty spiffy in this new suit. Chshaaa.) We have, yet another commercial, stereotyping men as being idiots except where one of the three golden things come in (Food, fucking, and fast cars.) I guarantee you if it had been a woman standing there they would have made her freak out. "Jesus Christ, I-I'm black? Oh my god, over here I'm Hispanic!" And then she would have had a total melt down and it probably would have turned into an ad for Always or something like that.

The next stereotype? Asian freak out. We don't even know what they're saying but I can assume it is something along these lines.

"You are eating Skittles! Stop it!"
"I am a decendant of the Emperor, I can do what I want!"
"Skittles are not appropriate Emperor snacks!"
"My uncle was Bruce Lee! My Mother is Jackie Chan! I will cut you!" *Mirror smash*

Because, in case you haven't noticed, Asians have three stereotypes as well. They all know hand to hand combat and resort to that whenever an argument arises, they're all terrible drivers, and they're all math geniuses.

Don't blame me, that's what commercials have taught me, and this one certainly isn't showing me any different as far as numero uno goes.

So ask yourself this? What was it that the Asian reflection was the one freaking out? Why not the Hispanic one? Or the African American one? If you're thinking "because he speaks the same language as the shop keeper and it makes sense" ask yourself this, why is Conan O'Brian's White Upper thigh getting served by an Asian? Can he speak the language fluently? If so, why didn't he jump in when they started freaking out on each other? I certainly would if I was in between two people yelling at each other (especially if one knew how to kick like that.)

The biggest problem I have with this commercial is that it brings up too many questions. There are all these different things going on, tiny points that counter each other, leading me to think "So what the hell was the point of that?"

Yes, I'm all for "Reflecting the rainbow" or "Tasting the rainbow", whatever. But, um... Why? Just... just why, Skittles?

Criminal #27 ShamWow "They'll be saying 'SHAAAAAM'"

(Hi Vince!)
So I'm sure I can't be the only person in the world absolutely sick to death of the ShamWow. Everywhere I go, with absolutely anyone I'm with, I hear the same thing. "Oh, have you tried the ShamWow? They're amazing!"

Well, I don't have a Shamwow handy to test, however I do have an abundance of internet claims as well as several testimonies and... eyes. (thanks to Fred Taub from Boycott somethingarathereIcan'trememberbutI'llgiveyoucreditwhenIdo for a lot of the points I would have missed if he hadn't mentioned them.)

First thing is first. What the hell is with the headset, dude? Who are you talking to? Oh my god, are you getting lines fed to you? Dear god, Vince has been brainwashed, for the love of god, we have to help him!

Okay, I'm good now. So you claim it is like a towel, eh? Like a shammy? Like a sponge? Quick, to the e-dictionary!
"Towel Definition: A cloth used for wiping, especially one used for drying anything wet, as the person after a bath. "

Okay, so assuming we're a little open minded here, and for the most part I am not when it comes to advertising (why do you listen to me then, hmm? Could it be because I make good points?!) Then along with cleaning up a spill of whatever, soda, water, what have you, the shamwow should also be totally badass when you step out of a bath, right?

From popularmechanics.com, a consumers claim about the shamwow "Drying off after a swim was an experience in exfoliation, with the Shamwow rubbing it in at about 220 grit. It was very light in the backpack on the way to the swimming hole, however. Caught in the rain, it can wipe you down from forehead to pant leg. And after a shower, it makes for a decent bath mat. In the kitchen, it's too coarse to use as a towel and too stiff to be a napkin, but it can scour a stovetop and it's not a bad place mat. On food spills, it works better on thinner liquids—wine, yes; tomato sauce, no. "

So basically if I want the spa experience of a life time, as well as no outer layer of skin, then yes, the shamwow would make for an awesome bath towel, just so we can clarify.

Next... "The Germans always make good stuff." Yeah, that Nazi Party was pretty badass.

Okay, now for the infamous Cola-coffee-human fluid tests. Watch the cartpet *very* carefully. Take note of the shape of the stain. I know you're thinking "But Kathleen, a liquid would spread on some kind of carpeting." Okay, yes, except the liquid has CLEARLY totally sunken through and leeched onto the table, as we can see with the lovely mess Vince is making. Are you ready?

When he lifts that piece of carpeting up at around the 00:42 mark, that liquid concoction is everywhere, I mean that table is a sticky mess of human recess and month old cola (probably taken out of my fridge, seeing as how he never specifically said Pepsi or Coke. The generic stuff is just as good, people! Trust me!)

Following the frame where he puts the carpet back down (00:46) something very interesting has happened. Why, what's that? Where's that sticky mess that was leeching out from beneath the carpet swatch moments ago? That's right, there is absolutely no mess under that carpet. So what did they do? They cleaned it up, maybe they used a shamwow for it, maybe they didn't (betting on the latter) but either way, their whole case for the shamwow has just been broken.

Not to mention the size of the stain, and the shape varies from camera cut to camera cut, and I don't mean it's just gotten bigger. The size of the fairly tiny stain grows surprisingly fast and then magically disappears by the time Vince is ready to show us the awesome power of the ShamWow! Oh my god, the sheer thought power of the ShamWow has already begun the absorbtion process, it's a miracle!

Final word: Just a sham, check out the complaintsboard for a few testimonies:
http://www.complaintsboard.com/complaints/shamwow-c146576.html

Remember to beware of imitators, they're called rags and you can make them out of old t-shirts that have been ripped, which... I guess would actually make more sense than spending the money on an entirely new product that is pretty pointless.
Seriously though, what is with the head set? He has one in the Slap Chop infomercial too. Where the hell are they coming from?

Criminal #26- RBC Royal Bank of Canada "Where's my money, mother f*ckers?"

I'm sure some of you remember my lovely rant about Banks last year when I first began working at HMV and tried to get a new account with BMO. That was one of my finer moments, I have to say -- oh well shit, they just called me back and they were very cordial... but that doesn't change a damn thing! *angry face*.

So here's how it went down. Me, started new job at La Senza (yes, I'm aware of the irony of me working at a lingerie store.) Me, get blank check from bank for direct deposit. Bank, give check. Me work like a bunny, get first pay stub. Me, going to awesome concert tomorrow, having lost bank card, go to bank today to get new card so I can buy hot clothes for concert.

Me, have no money.

Me: WTF? I got paid last week, I only spent $15 bucks out of the check! Wth?! Nice bank associate, tells me to stop weeping, shows me bank account history. Me, thank god, no one has stolen money from account, I just didn't get paid.

Wait, what?

Me, gets angry, goes to work, politely points out issue to nice boss. Nice Boss, examines new papers and old papers and discovers... Dun dun duuuuun, the bank gave me the wrong transit number, so currently someone on the east coast has my money. I have to go back in tomorrow to get the cash back (yaaaaay) but thanks to weekend banking I won't have the money officially until Monday, which is two days too late for me to buy cds at the Hawksley Workman concert.

Thanks a lot Royal Bank. I appreciate you getting back to me so quickly but I think maybe someone needs to work on the system a little bit more. That's my mini rant for now, I've got some stuff I'll post later tonight.

Also, I totally found my old bank card the minute I got home, go me.

Criminal #25 Always "Have a happy shut the hell up"

Much like the post-its, this is one that I can actually use, or not use as the case may be. Any girl out there will tell you that Always is the brand of choice when it comes to 'sanitary pads' for that special time of month. They are, incidently, also a Procter & Gamble product (beginning to see a trend here...)

And the chances are if you're a girl and you have email or access to the internet you've received the following forward:

From: "Doris ____" <*******@hotmail.com>To: Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2007
23:21:15 +0000Subject: ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR AND GAMBLEACTUAL LETTER TO
PROCTOR AND GAMBLE This is a letter written to one of the top executives at
Proctor and Gamble. Means a bit more to the gals than the guys.Dear Mr.
Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a
menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time
for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The
point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with
homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my
letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period"."Are
you f…..g kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so
you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your
head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
"Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just
picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to
take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep... Always.Best,Wendy ____ Austin TX

Thank you, Wendy, wherever you are. Everytime I get that forward it makes me smile. So I guess my issue with this one is obvious. Have a happy period? A happy period? Ummm kay, no. If by happy you mean curl into a ball and cry on the couch with half a dozen heating pads and a bottle of ibeuprofan then... yes, I will have a happy period, thank you. See, now if P&G was making some kind of ibeuprofan-period related product that magically makes your cramps vanish, then yes, I'd say go right ahead and tell us to have happy periods. Seeing as how they're making sticky pads that absorb our life fluids the happiness is null and void.

Oh but wait, I have more. Guess what P&G has had issues with in the past? Go on, it's period related. If you thought Toxic Shock Syndrome, you'd be right. We all remember those grade nine health class lectures (by our art teacher of all people) who warned you never to keep the tampon in for more than two hours because of Toxic Shock Syndrome, that permenently put me off of using the product (which is why no longer buying Always is going to prove to be interesting.)

For those of you unaware, here's some background on TSS (straight from the CDC website)

Clinical Features
Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) is characterized by sudden onset of fever, chills, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle aches and rash. It can rapidly progress to severe and intractable hypotension and multisystem dysfunction. Desquamation, particularly on the palms and soles can occur 1-2 weeks after onset of the illness.
Etiologic Agent
Usually exotoxin producing strains of Staphylococcus aureus, a bacterium.
Incidence
In the United States, annual incidence is 1-2/100,000 women 15-44 years of age (last active surveillance done in 1987).
Sequelae
5% of all cases are fatal.
Transmission
S. aureus commonly colonizes skin and mucous membranes in humans. TSS has been associated with use of tampons and intravaginal contraceptive devices in women and occurs as a complication of skin abscesses or surgery.
Risk Groups
Menstruating women, women using barrier contraceptive devices, persons who have undergone nasal surgery, and persons with postoperative staphylococcal wound
infections.
Surveillance
National surveillance is conducted through the National ElectronicTelecommunications System for Surveillance (NETSS). The last active surveillance was in 1987 in four states with a total population of 12 million.
Challenges
To describe the current epidemiology of TSS in the United States by conducting
active surveillance. To better define the risk factors of nonmenstrual TSS to
design prevention strategies.

And now, from Wiki's article on P&G controversies:

Toxic shock syndrome and tampons
Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) is a disease caused by strains of the bacteria Staphylococcus aureus. Most people have these bacteria living in their bodies as harmless commensals in places such as the nose, skin, and vagina. The disease can strike anyone, not only women, but the disease is often associated with tampons. In 1980, 814 menstrual-related TSS cases were reported; 38 deaths resulted from the disease. The majority of women in these cases were documented as using super-absorbent synthetic tampons, particularly the Rely tampon created by Procter and Gamble.[20] The Rely tampon was so super-absorbent that one by itself could in fact hold one woman's entire menstrual period. Unlike other tampons made of cotton and rayon, Rely used carboxymethylcellulose and compressed beads of polyester for absorption. The materials used in Rely were causing an increase in the thickness of fluid inside the vagina, resulting in more toxins being released.
The slogan Procter and Gamble used for the product was "Rely. It even absorbs the worry."
In the summer of 1980 the Centers for Disease Control released a report explaining how these bacterial mechanisms were leading to TSS. They also stated that the Rely tampon was associated with TSS more than any other brand of tampon. In September 1980, Procter and Gamble voluntarily recalled its Rely brand of tampons from the market and agreed to provide for a program to notify consumers. Since the 1980s, reported cases of TSS have dramatically decreased[21].

I think the last line is my favorite. Way to go, P&G, maybe you should just... I don't know, stop making things? Like... anything at all.

So next time someone tells you to have a 'Happy Period' tell them this, "Thanks, I will, right after I either succomb to toxic shock syndrome or kick your ass."

Criminal #24 CoverGirl "Easy, Breezy, Not Hot Enough, CoverGirl"

First a bit of history, CoverGirl is a cosmetic line owned by Procter & Gamble (who you're going to be seeing a lot of on this blog over the next little while.) The main competition to CoverGirl is generally considered to be Maybelline, which is owned by the L'Oreal folks (A brief overview of my makeup kit confirms I have no CoverGirl junk, thank god.)

Let's start with the commercial. Let me say right off the bat, I love Ellen Degeneres. Everyone in the world should feel comfortable enough to dance, dance, dance away without being shy and she does it every day on her show. Mad Props. I was going to use the new commercial she's done for the CoverGirl Simply Ageless makeup as my main point but then I wiki'd CoverGirl and clicked some links and learned some interesting stuff. This is not to bash Ellen in any way, this is a CoverGirl issue, not an Ellen issue. It just so happens she's the one reading the script.

"Inner beauty is important, but not nearly as important as outer beauty."

Wait-whu?

Don't get your knickers in a twist, kids. I'm trained in the art of sarcasm. Unfortunately this didn't really come off in such a way that I thought "Oh hey, Ellen's being funny! She really means outer beauty isn't important at all!" Which, you know, would explain why she's doing a makeup commercial.

It seems to me that CoverGirl is behind on the times. Someone should let them know that Anti-Aging isn't the 'in' thing anymore. Ageism is so huge in our society, god forbid we go through the natural course of life and enjoy it! No, no, we can't show laugh lines, wrinkles, crows feet, whatever you want to call them, because that means we're old. God forbid we get old and.. gasp! eventually die.

But okay, maybe this was just a poor choice on Ellen's part. Maybe CoverGirl is like an ostrich and had it's head in the sand since 2004, thus explaining why they haven't heard of Dove's very popular "Campaign for Real Beauty" and "Pro-Age" products. Personally, I'm a huge supporter of Dove. Not only is their soap a great facial cleanser (believe it or not, it's recommended quite often by doctors) but they seem to be the first cosmetic/beauty related corporation to have realized that "Hey, maybe all these ads are promoting negative views of women. Maybe we need to be rethinking how we sell ourselves." Bravo, Dove, for taking the first step, and shame on you CoverGirl, for not realizing that people don't want to STOP aging, they just want to age properly (which they can do by using the fine products by Dove. How d'you like them product placements?)

So there's my issue with the commercial itself. Time to do a bit of backtracking on CoverGirl. As I stated before, it is an offshoot off Procter & Gamble, who make such fine products as Always, Duracell, TAG, Pampers, Gillette, Bounty and much, much more. I'm torn here whether I could just put Procter & Gamble on the list (see below for my reasons why) or stick with CoverGirl. I think for now I'll stick with just the cosmetics, but I'm going to be paying closer attention to the commercials of the other P&G products. Always is treading a thin line as it is.

Anyways, back to my point. CoverGirl is a sponsor of America's Next Top Anorexic Paperdoll, sorry, I meant Top Model. My bad.

"But Kathleen," you say, "Don't you just have issues with the modelling industry? Aren't you being picky again? Isn't this just a personal vendetta?"

Once more I will remind you, angry readers, that the point of this blog is to be picky. However, I will acknowledge the point. So let's ignore the sponsorship of a wholly unhealthy show that twists the reality surrounding 'real beauty' and examine a few P&G scandals.

For the sake of simplicity, I'm leaving out the P&G Satanic Symbol issue, check out the Wiki article on it for further details. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Procter_%26_Gamble#Logo_controversy)

In 2006, PERI (Political Economy Research Institute) released The Toxic 100, a list of the top 100 most toxic corporations according to their Toxic Scores taken in 2002. P&G is there at number 52 (http://www.peri.umass.edu/Toxic-100-Table.265.0.html). Now someone clarify, why would anyone wanting to defy the laws of nature and age backwards or whatever, want to support a corporation that contributes to the current woes of the planet and thus the health of millions or people, thereby effecting the health of peoples skin? Yes, it might be a bit of a long connection, not exactly six small steps, but it's worth questioning isn't it? If we as a society are so concerned about not aging, why support a corporation whose actions will effectively make us look weathered beyond our years?

Up next, animal testing. Feel free to boo and hiss at this point. Now I, for one, have never understood the concept of animal testing. Yes, they test on animals to ensure it is safe for humans, but last time I checked I wasn't a fuzzy bunny, and the time before that I checked, my neighbours rabbit wasn't putting on a layer of eyeshadow and some lipstick for a night on the town. Psst, P&G, I don't know if you've noticed but... humans and animals have slightly different genes. I know what you're thinking, "If we don't test on animals, how will we know it's safe for humans?" How about we test on humans? No? That doesn't float your boat? Then why the hell is it all right for us to test on animals? What gives anyone the right to produce something, be it makeup or perfume, whatever, and test it on animals? Stand behind your product. You think it's safe? Then test it on yourself? No one, absolutely no one, has the right to shove off a product onto some creature; why ask someone or something to make a sacrifice that you yourself are not willing to make? Further more, cutting out the step of testing on animals and instead testing on humans means getting results that the scientists behind the products can actually use immediately. It's like cutting out the middleman on some sort of shady deal.

By cutting out the animal testing and reverting to testing on people a team of scientists would see results they could apply. They'd understand the effect their product would have on people immediately. It would save them from testing on a rabbit, thinking "oh hey the rabbit isn't dying, it must be safe." mass producing only to realize it gives people a rash and forcing a major recall. Production would go faster, allowing for the amount of production time to be cut back. Hey, P&G, I just solved that nasty Toxic problem you have.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some PETA fanatic, but I can see where they come from on the issues of some animal testing. There's a difference between testing something important (life altering drugs) and something pointless (CoverGirl). The problem is PETA considers the matter to be black and white, you're either for animal testing or against it.

For more on P&G's animal testing click http://www.pandgkills.com/main.html

So I guess my big point with all this P&G stuff is that we as a society don't really realize who we're supporting. I had no idea CoverGirl was a P&G offshoot until I decided to do this post, nor did I realize Always (my brand of choice up till now) was one of their products or anything else I listed. Here we are supporting corporations left, right, and center. Of course we can't help it, we have to buy certain things to survive, but with a bit of extra research we can delve into who we're buying from and we might just find not everything is as peachy keen as we like to believe. Supporting this corporation or that doesn't define who you are, nonetheless who you choose to support can have a huge impact on your life. You may just find that the more you support someone life P&G, the more worse off the planet gets. And trust me, in a few years you're concerns won't be whether you're age-defying or what have you. You'll be glad you lived long enough to age at all.

Criminal #23 Twilight "Hey Stephenie Meyer, is your fridge running? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO CATCH IT!"

(This goes out to all my friends at http://www.twilightsucks.com/

So I'll admit, this is a personal bias. I hate Twilight, almost as much as I hate Clive Cussler (and boy do I hate Cussler.) I'm not sure what it is about it... Oh wait, yes I do. Sexism, questionable morals, crude writing, mary sues, purple prose and what's this? Oh yeah! A sparkling fucking vampire. What. The. Fuck?

However, seeing as I didn't want to use this "experiment" as a personal weapon, I ignored it. (Incidently I have not bought post-its in over a year and a half!) However, a recent post at Twilightsucks caught my attention. (Thank you thoughtbubble for posting it.)

The topic was brought up regarding the Twilightmoms forums. Now, I'm all for free speech, do whatever you want, what do I care? As long as no one is hurt in the process we're cool. But the information posted on the "About" page changed everything.
And I quote:

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE whose life turned upside down when you read
Twilight? Is your house a disaster with piles of piles of laundry in every
corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights? Have you imagined
your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of newlywed
again? Do you convince yourself that "cold cereal" makes a perfectly wholesome
dinner? Is the pizza delivery boy now on your Christmas card list? Are your
children free to run a muck as long as no one comes too you bleeding . . .(too
badly)? Oh, you feel guilty, but that's not enough! You still can't tear
yourself away from the book and damned be the consequences! The good new is- YOU
ARE NOT ALONE! Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you're
a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational
obsession with vampires and werewolves. We have a place where "our kind" can
relate without having to wade through all the teenage Internet code mumbo jumbo
like "OMG!!! IMHO Edward is sooo Hawt!!!" (usually a dead giveaway that you
should be doing your social studies homework for 3rd period instead of playing
on the computer.) FYI, it was a group of 14/15 year olds that "changed" me.
However, OUR world of balancing family, work, home, marriage AND...our Twilight
obsession is unique, fun, and oh, so very humorous. The personal stories and
experiences I've heard and read from women all over the world are a blast. YOU
LADIES ROCK!!! ...and "Twilight Moms" is dedicated to YOU!!! Enjoy this little
corner of the Internet that is just for us. Explore the web site, keep up with breaking news
and join the forum.

End quote

Okay, where to begin? First off, let's revisit what I have been trying to get through the thick skulls of the internet for some time now.

MOM'S. You are NOT, I repeat, NOT defined by your house keeping skills. You are half of a relationship (for the most part, I'm aware there are single moms and dads out there, mad props to you folk because I come from a single parent household myself.) It is not your sole responsibility to ensure the house is kept up, laundry gets done, food is on the table, and so on and so forth. Believe it or not, your partner has some degree of responsibility too! So NO, Twilight is NOT an excuse for your children running amuck or whatever, that's shoddy parenting through and through.

Now maybe if you were reading something thrilling like say, a Gregg Hurwitz novel, or something by Tess Gerritsen, I could understand but for the love of god has anyone actually READ Twilight and dissected it? (Okay, I haven't read it completely, but I've read enough...) It's like candy for your brain! A gripping tale of forbidden love between a girl and some guy who sparkles a shit load is not exciting literature!

And don't get me started on the attitude of Stephenie Meyer who is apparently convinced that she is the Queen of the Vampires and can do no wrong. Being a writer means accepting critique for what it is, a helpful way to get YOU to improve your work which could possibly, in theory, not be half bad if you worked on it and listened to what your critics are saying! But no, it's like she clamps hands over her ears and goes "LALALALA I can heeeeaaaar you!"

I wonder if she heard the recent criticism Stephen King had to say about her? Or is the internet censored for her to protect her fragile ego?

I'm sorry but something just isn't adding up about Twilightmoms. Of course I can't judge them, because I would have to judge myself first (I'm very opinionated, oops!) But someone, for the love of god, someone has got to get through to these, I'm sure, very intelligent women that being a mom is not about staying home and being barefoot and preggers in the kitchen! Mom's can work too, so where's the Twilightdad forum? Oh right, they're busy sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching the game. I mean, they must be right? They are if the world is one giant stereotype.

PS: Meyer. Vampires do not sparkle, Wuthering Heights is better than your crap, Bella is irritating as all fuck, and the world does not revolve around your very swollen head.

Here are some SMeyer quotes to tickle your fancy:

"I never write messages. I always write things that entertain me."

(Not surprising, that says a lot about what entertains you.)

"WHAT IF... What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance,
not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The
real deal. Your other half, your true soul's match. What happens if he
leaves?The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne
Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O'Hara and Anne
Shirley all had their ways of coping.I had to answer the question for Bella.
What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but
Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead,
Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure
evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was
much more of a Jacob than an Edward). So what happens when True Love in the form
of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?"

(And what gives her the right to question those other "true loves" when her male protagonist is a stalker and possessive?)

"But I can't read other people's vampires. If it's too close [to my writing], I
get upset; if it's too far away, I get upset. It just makes me very neurotic."

(Wait, could you please direct me to ANY vampire EVER that is even REMOTELY like The Cullings, sorry, Cullens?)

"The worst I can remember happened at my appearance in Toronto. A girl (who must
have sat in line all day to get the seat she had) asked during the Q&A how I
could write such an antifeminist main character and if I wasn't ashamed of
myself for letting young girls read my misogynist works. I don't get that. I
mean, I've gotten that question from reporters and seen it online various
places, and I think I can defend myself ably. What I don't get is why you would
come out to a signing for an author you hated, let alone stand out in the cold
all day to get in. People are odd. "

(You think you can defend yourself? Then DO IT.)

"I don't think my books qualify to be Oprah books. I think you have to take on
bigger issues than Vampire/Werewolf love to make her interested. I don't have
any incest, adultery, spousal abuse, mental disease, molestation, anorexia, suicide, cutting, etc. Which is why I won't ever get the Printz
award either."

(I'm sorry, did you READ your second book? Oh wait, I get it. Attempting suicide is okay as long as the character doesn't go through with it. Great message, Meyer.)

For those of you wondering how to join the BaD protest, especially with our first author (and that's up for debate) on the list... Don't buy the books, don't buy the merch (tee shirts, pencils, whatever) and may I suggest you start researching Meyer in a bit more detail.

Please stop writing and start reading, Smeyer, and then once you're done reading, process the information and ask yourself "Does that sound like cheap fanfiction? Do I seem like I'm dry humping a thesaurus?"

The answer is yes, Meyer, yes you do.