Criminal #23 Twilight "Hey Stephenie Meyer, is your fridge running? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO CATCH IT!"

(This goes out to all my friends at http://www.twilightsucks.com/

So I'll admit, this is a personal bias. I hate Twilight, almost as much as I hate Clive Cussler (and boy do I hate Cussler.) I'm not sure what it is about it... Oh wait, yes I do. Sexism, questionable morals, crude writing, mary sues, purple prose and what's this? Oh yeah! A sparkling fucking vampire. What. The. Fuck?

However, seeing as I didn't want to use this "experiment" as a personal weapon, I ignored it. (Incidently I have not bought post-its in over a year and a half!) However, a recent post at Twilightsucks caught my attention. (Thank you thoughtbubble for posting it.)

The topic was brought up regarding the Twilightmoms forums. Now, I'm all for free speech, do whatever you want, what do I care? As long as no one is hurt in the process we're cool. But the information posted on the "About" page changed everything.
And I quote:

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE whose life turned upside down when you read
Twilight? Is your house a disaster with piles of piles of laundry in every
corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights? Have you imagined
your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of newlywed
again? Do you convince yourself that "cold cereal" makes a perfectly wholesome
dinner? Is the pizza delivery boy now on your Christmas card list? Are your
children free to run a muck as long as no one comes too you bleeding . . .(too
badly)? Oh, you feel guilty, but that's not enough! You still can't tear
yourself away from the book and damned be the consequences! The good new is- YOU
ARE NOT ALONE! Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you're
a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational
obsession with vampires and werewolves. We have a place where "our kind" can
relate without having to wade through all the teenage Internet code mumbo jumbo
like "OMG!!! IMHO Edward is sooo Hawt!!!" (usually a dead giveaway that you
should be doing your social studies homework for 3rd period instead of playing
on the computer.) FYI, it was a group of 14/15 year olds that "changed" me.
However, OUR world of balancing family, work, home, marriage AND...our Twilight
obsession is unique, fun, and oh, so very humorous. The personal stories and
experiences I've heard and read from women all over the world are a blast. YOU
LADIES ROCK!!! ...and "Twilight Moms" is dedicated to YOU!!! Enjoy this little
corner of the Internet that is just for us. Explore the web site, keep up with breaking news
and join the forum.

End quote

Okay, where to begin? First off, let's revisit what I have been trying to get through the thick skulls of the internet for some time now.

MOM'S. You are NOT, I repeat, NOT defined by your house keeping skills. You are half of a relationship (for the most part, I'm aware there are single moms and dads out there, mad props to you folk because I come from a single parent household myself.) It is not your sole responsibility to ensure the house is kept up, laundry gets done, food is on the table, and so on and so forth. Believe it or not, your partner has some degree of responsibility too! So NO, Twilight is NOT an excuse for your children running amuck or whatever, that's shoddy parenting through and through.

Now maybe if you were reading something thrilling like say, a Gregg Hurwitz novel, or something by Tess Gerritsen, I could understand but for the love of god has anyone actually READ Twilight and dissected it? (Okay, I haven't read it completely, but I've read enough...) It's like candy for your brain! A gripping tale of forbidden love between a girl and some guy who sparkles a shit load is not exciting literature!

And don't get me started on the attitude of Stephenie Meyer who is apparently convinced that she is the Queen of the Vampires and can do no wrong. Being a writer means accepting critique for what it is, a helpful way to get YOU to improve your work which could possibly, in theory, not be half bad if you worked on it and listened to what your critics are saying! But no, it's like she clamps hands over her ears and goes "LALALALA I can heeeeaaaar you!"

I wonder if she heard the recent criticism Stephen King had to say about her? Or is the internet censored for her to protect her fragile ego?

I'm sorry but something just isn't adding up about Twilightmoms. Of course I can't judge them, because I would have to judge myself first (I'm very opinionated, oops!) But someone, for the love of god, someone has got to get through to these, I'm sure, very intelligent women that being a mom is not about staying home and being barefoot and preggers in the kitchen! Mom's can work too, so where's the Twilightdad forum? Oh right, they're busy sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching the game. I mean, they must be right? They are if the world is one giant stereotype.

PS: Meyer. Vampires do not sparkle, Wuthering Heights is better than your crap, Bella is irritating as all fuck, and the world does not revolve around your very swollen head.

Here are some SMeyer quotes to tickle your fancy:

"I never write messages. I always write things that entertain me."

(Not surprising, that says a lot about what entertains you.)

"WHAT IF... What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance,
not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The
real deal. Your other half, your true soul's match. What happens if he
leaves?The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne
Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O'Hara and Anne
Shirley all had their ways of coping.I had to answer the question for Bella.
What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but
Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead,
Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure
evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was
much more of a Jacob than an Edward). So what happens when True Love in the form
of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?"

(And what gives her the right to question those other "true loves" when her male protagonist is a stalker and possessive?)

"But I can't read other people's vampires. If it's too close [to my writing], I
get upset; if it's too far away, I get upset. It just makes me very neurotic."

(Wait, could you please direct me to ANY vampire EVER that is even REMOTELY like The Cullings, sorry, Cullens?)

"The worst I can remember happened at my appearance in Toronto. A girl (who must
have sat in line all day to get the seat she had) asked during the Q&A how I
could write such an antifeminist main character and if I wasn't ashamed of
myself for letting young girls read my misogynist works. I don't get that. I
mean, I've gotten that question from reporters and seen it online various
places, and I think I can defend myself ably. What I don't get is why you would
come out to a signing for an author you hated, let alone stand out in the cold
all day to get in. People are odd. "

(You think you can defend yourself? Then DO IT.)

"I don't think my books qualify to be Oprah books. I think you have to take on
bigger issues than Vampire/Werewolf love to make her interested. I don't have
any incest, adultery, spousal abuse, mental disease, molestation, anorexia, suicide, cutting, etc. Which is why I won't ever get the Printz
award either."

(I'm sorry, did you READ your second book? Oh wait, I get it. Attempting suicide is okay as long as the character doesn't go through with it. Great message, Meyer.)

For those of you wondering how to join the BaD protest, especially with our first author (and that's up for debate) on the list... Don't buy the books, don't buy the merch (tee shirts, pencils, whatever) and may I suggest you start researching Meyer in a bit more detail.

Please stop writing and start reading, Smeyer, and then once you're done reading, process the information and ask yourself "Does that sound like cheap fanfiction? Do I seem like I'm dry humping a thesaurus?"

The answer is yes, Meyer, yes you do.