Criminal #27 ShamWow "They'll be saying 'SHAAAAAM'"

(Hi Vince!)
So I'm sure I can't be the only person in the world absolutely sick to death of the ShamWow. Everywhere I go, with absolutely anyone I'm with, I hear the same thing. "Oh, have you tried the ShamWow? They're amazing!"

Well, I don't have a Shamwow handy to test, however I do have an abundance of internet claims as well as several testimonies and... eyes. (thanks to Fred Taub from Boycott somethingarathereIcan'trememberbutI'llgiveyoucreditwhenIdo for a lot of the points I would have missed if he hadn't mentioned them.)

First thing is first. What the hell is with the headset, dude? Who are you talking to? Oh my god, are you getting lines fed to you? Dear god, Vince has been brainwashed, for the love of god, we have to help him!

Okay, I'm good now. So you claim it is like a towel, eh? Like a shammy? Like a sponge? Quick, to the e-dictionary!
"Towel Definition: A cloth used for wiping, especially one used for drying anything wet, as the person after a bath. "

Okay, so assuming we're a little open minded here, and for the most part I am not when it comes to advertising (why do you listen to me then, hmm? Could it be because I make good points?!) Then along with cleaning up a spill of whatever, soda, water, what have you, the shamwow should also be totally badass when you step out of a bath, right?

From popularmechanics.com, a consumers claim about the shamwow "Drying off after a swim was an experience in exfoliation, with the Shamwow rubbing it in at about 220 grit. It was very light in the backpack on the way to the swimming hole, however. Caught in the rain, it can wipe you down from forehead to pant leg. And after a shower, it makes for a decent bath mat. In the kitchen, it's too coarse to use as a towel and too stiff to be a napkin, but it can scour a stovetop and it's not a bad place mat. On food spills, it works better on thinner liquids—wine, yes; tomato sauce, no. "

So basically if I want the spa experience of a life time, as well as no outer layer of skin, then yes, the shamwow would make for an awesome bath towel, just so we can clarify.

Next... "The Germans always make good stuff." Yeah, that Nazi Party was pretty badass.

Okay, now for the infamous Cola-coffee-human fluid tests. Watch the cartpet *very* carefully. Take note of the shape of the stain. I know you're thinking "But Kathleen, a liquid would spread on some kind of carpeting." Okay, yes, except the liquid has CLEARLY totally sunken through and leeched onto the table, as we can see with the lovely mess Vince is making. Are you ready?

When he lifts that piece of carpeting up at around the 00:42 mark, that liquid concoction is everywhere, I mean that table is a sticky mess of human recess and month old cola (probably taken out of my fridge, seeing as how he never specifically said Pepsi or Coke. The generic stuff is just as good, people! Trust me!)

Following the frame where he puts the carpet back down (00:46) something very interesting has happened. Why, what's that? Where's that sticky mess that was leeching out from beneath the carpet swatch moments ago? That's right, there is absolutely no mess under that carpet. So what did they do? They cleaned it up, maybe they used a shamwow for it, maybe they didn't (betting on the latter) but either way, their whole case for the shamwow has just been broken.

Not to mention the size of the stain, and the shape varies from camera cut to camera cut, and I don't mean it's just gotten bigger. The size of the fairly tiny stain grows surprisingly fast and then magically disappears by the time Vince is ready to show us the awesome power of the ShamWow! Oh my god, the sheer thought power of the ShamWow has already begun the absorbtion process, it's a miracle!

Final word: Just a sham, check out the complaintsboard for a few testimonies:
http://www.complaintsboard.com/complaints/shamwow-c146576.html

Remember to beware of imitators, they're called rags and you can make them out of old t-shirts that have been ripped, which... I guess would actually make more sense than spending the money on an entirely new product that is pretty pointless.
Seriously though, what is with the head set? He has one in the Slap Chop infomercial too. Where the hell are they coming from?