Criminal #9: Slim Fast "Obviously you're too FAT. If you weren't so FAT then you would be happy, isn't that right FATTIE?"

There's no denying it, many women (not all by any means, and of course this applies to men too) have self esteem problems. This comes directly from the media. Yeah, no shit, that's pretty obvious isn't it? when you have people like Eva Longoria and Beyonce' 'Look at my boobs' Knowles prowling the advertising world and struting they're over-plastered, make-uped faces, no wonder us gals feel less than attractive a lot of the time. Don't be fooled though. What you're seeing there isn't true beauty. What you're seeing is seven clever makeup artists and one digital editor who is having the time of his life putting his kid through college with this one job because Loreal and Maybe-she's-not-born-with-it-Maybellene are scared that their product isn't appealing to the normal woman. What better way to get it out there than by having the most A-Typical examples of beauty indorse your product in a 30 second spot. Yeah, that'll make me want to buy it. Tell me what deodorant Jane Goodall uses and maybe I'll think about it.

But I digress. Today's shameful example of trouncing on every womans selfesteem is none other than Slim Fast. That's right, those wonderful weightloss drinks available for fatties everywhere. Because that's what we all are, isn't it? Fat. Inside. Outside. Fat, fat, fat. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with these just because they make great morning breakfast drinks if you're on the go (or you sleep in like me) but the ads you see posted here are truly disturbing.

See, here are my issues with these ads. #1: One can only assume that the fiance did actually see the woman before he proposed to her, which means he was aware of at least her general weight, which means he fell in love with her as she was, not for who she's trying to become with excessive Slim Fast consumption. #2: One can only assume that if the fiance didn't like the womans weight he might comment on it before propsing to her and getting himself into a lifetime commitment. And #3: One can only assume, and I really hope this one is right, that if he did have a problem with her weight, she would punch him, pack up her stuff, and just for ironies sake eat his dog before leaving him. I put in the eating the dog thing because I think it would make a great visual. "Think I'm fat, huh? Guess how fat I'll be after I finish Skippers legs!"

What is it about our society that thinks the weight of a woman is so important. Okay, wait, lets establish right now that there's is a difference between being overweight and being your healthy natural weight. A person shouldn't confuse one for the other. That out of the way, let's got back to my original point. Society and it's refusal to acknowledge that a woman is beautiful no matter what her size. Granted, I'm pretty tiny, but so is my mom. It's my natural weight, and whoever told you that being thin was better than having some meat on your bones lied to you. I have lots of friends that are a little more on the hefty side (none of them, none of them are overweight though) and if I had a penny for every guy I have ever heard say he prefers a little more flesh to a girl I would have, I don't know, maybe 40, 50 bucks? And I would have no self esteem. But you know what? I do have selfesteem, because despite the fact that I went through middle and high school being called anorexic I am perfectly comfortable in my skin (and I am one of the least likely people to say that, because I look like the freaking bride of Frankenstein's monster will all the scars I've got.)

So I'm not sure where companies like Slim Fast get off telling a woman that on the most important day of her life, when everything should, and essentially does revolve around her, there is a chance she'll be too fat. Don't listen to a word they're telling you girls. The first step to happiness with your man isn't good sex, it isn't a perfect home, or a well paying job. It's you and your partner being comfortable with who you are. Love yourself, as you were made, with the genes you inherited (no one understands that one better than me), with as much booty or lacktherof that you've got. And guys, don't feel like you need the six pack or the bronzed skin. And if for an instant you think maybe your other half won't like you for just your personality remember, you fell in love with someone else too, not just the body. Because bodies fade, and all the Slim Fast in the world won't help those wrinkles when they start showing. so will you still love each other then? I bet you will (ignoring the divorce rate statistics.)

Criminal #8: Pepsi "..FINALLY!"

Anyone who knows me particularly well knows I'm filled with nothing but contempt for two major thing sin the world: Coca-Cola and Pepsi (True winner is Clive Cussler but that's a different category altogether.) Those of you that haven't seen it yet, rent or buy The Cola Wars, it's a documentary that takes you through the lifelines of both Coke and Pepsi and the competitions that have taken place, and the war that continues to surge every day. As far as I've learned, most people seem to favor Coke over Pepsi, personally I think one tastes like my teeth rotting, and the other tastes like my brain melting, and I can't tell any greater difference than that.

Why don't I like them? Simple really, our North american culture has already been ravaged by the cola kings, but over the last (lets say 30, really thowing that number out there) 30 years the fingers of these ruthless corporations have been slipping into the many cultures of the world outside of North America. Why is this a problem? Again, very simple. Canada is a Mosaic of cultures. Immigrants can take comfort knowing that they can easily keep their traditions and life styles upon entering our country, likewise, the US is a melting pot, where eventually everyone melds together. There's nothing wrong with that really, it's simply the way it is. Because we exist that way, changes to the culture as a general (trends, ect) are bound to happen, you expect them.

But what about Japan? Granted, not the best example as they pretty much hoover up any latest trend, but think about how long Japan remained an independent civilization after the discovery of North America, think about how the gentle and romantic culture of the ronin and feudal lords existed and then, blam, fell the minute foreigners struck.

Not convinced? Okay, Kvass. Haven't heard of it? I'm not surprisd. It is a traditional Russian drink. Like Asia has its green tea, Russia has it's Kvass. Except now Russia doesn't have it's Kvass because Coca Cola and Pepsi thought it might be a nice idea to sneak in there and choke the Russian culture with their killer pops (incidently, a while ago Coke decided it was no longer selling 'carbonated beverages' but 'sparkling sodas' so the phrase that many associate with yummy carbonated fruit drinks now also applies to Coke). Russia isn't the only victim though, so is China and Japan, andi don't know about the US but in Canada you can't walk through a school or a mall without being blinded by the ads.

So why is Pepsi the only one I'm putting on the list today? Well, unfortunately I've yet to find any really offensive Coke advertising (they're the real evil if you ask me, Pepsi is the lesser, but still... evil enough.) Well, in case you didn't notice the pictures earlier (internets comes in braille now?) the items of clothing seen previously all have something in common. What's that? Oh, why that's just a Pepsi symbol? Your ass is a bilboard? Why yes, yes it is. What's wrong Pepsi? You tired of losing out to Coke, you have to make us spread your message of unhealthy bodies? Best of all, guess what the price range is for these items.

$25-$75

Yeah, so $1.50 for a can of Pepsi (or whatever the hell it is now) apparently isn't enough for the company, they need more... more! Feed me, lemmings. Feed me all night long.

Criminal #7 Lee Jeans "Is she even wearing denim?"

Take a look at the following two pictures:

















Now, obviously I've edited them, badly, to get out the logos. Fortunately for both of us the logos are the only, only identifying feature of the two ads. Without them, you have no way to know what's being advertised do you? To me the first one doesn't even make sense, what is that? Oil? Is her hair turning into oil? I'm all for insanely creative (possibly drug infused) images, but there's a limit. When you've got a young woman spreading herself out like that, (See Dolce and Gabbana) with such obvious sexual connotations, you have to wonder, what has that got to do with the product?

As for the second bilboard, that makes even less sense to me. On first glance I would assume they were advertising chupa chups or something, I mean she is sucking... Oh, I get it now. And what with her boob half hanging out like that, how could we have no seen it sooner? Our society is so obsessed with age. Older men chasing after girls half their age, women determined to smother themselves in this mask or that in hopes of taking away just a few of the old lines. Now we have ads with someone, probably my age, that's giving guys boners while they think "Holy shit, if I buy that product she'll do that to ME." Crude, I know, and true. Ad companies don't gtive guys enough credit as far as the brain department goes. Believe it or not, some of them actually do think with things other than their penises.

Curious as to who our big criminal is? Check it out



















That's right, Lee jeans. Now tell me, did you at any point in time think to yourself "Wow, I want to go buy a pair of jeans because that's obviously what that bilboard and ad must be advertising."

I didn't. Of course the tempation to visit the nearest red light district in total secrecy did strike my fancy but I managed to supress it because I have this thing called integrity I choose not to compromise daily. Those don't even look like jeans. And you, girl with the oil hair, you have serious hemoglobin issues! Your pale skin is not a good thing! Your childish outift is just another attempt by a raging corporation to hide the line between child and adult, "I'm a big kid now" is it? At least pampers isn't selling condoms.













And in a more artistic view, look at the colours they use. The first one has very light colours, lots of white to show a persons innocence, lots of black to show the dark sort of side we all have, and then the red. Red is a sexual colour. Red is the colour of the satin sheets you lay out before a steamy night. Red, whether we like to admit it or not, has always been a sexual colour. Where is the red in the first picture? Think about where your eyes are being drawn?

And the second one, red finger nails, red lollypop, and a red belt all amongst darker shades of blue so they really 'pop' (that's not all that's about to pop, if you get my drift.) It's strange, but true, without realizing it those colours mean a lot to us. But that's all part of being passive viewers. We don't notice the colour, we only notice the message of the colour. "These girls are hot, and young, and if I buy or wear Lee jeans, they'll be hot and young with me."

Crinminal #6: Fayreform "You can't see the dinosaur because her boobs are in the way!"

The quality is bad on this one. And when I say the qaulity is bad, I mean it's pretty tricky to read the writing... Oh, and the ad sucks. For those of you squinting, let me save you the effort. Alarming close to that womans left breast is the phrase "I bet you didn't notice the Tyrannasaurus Rex."

No, no you're right, I didn't because it was in a dark corner, barely visible in natural light. What's your point Mr. Advertiser? oh, oh I see, you're suggesting her boobs are so perky thanks to fayreform bras that I won't notice a tiny plastic dinosaur taking up 5% of the whole article.

Well, hate to break it to you but I did notice the dinosaur. You know why? Becuase you mentioned it was there, and immediately to me it became a game of Where's Waldo. Who gives a crap about her ultra-perky boobs when there's a dinosaur for me to find?

Really, I think this ad is pretty obvious (in other words I'm too tired to point out all the issues) Half naked woman wearing alarming stilhettos as she sits on a gold plated OH SHIT LADY LOOK OUT THERE'S A T-REX BY YOUR ANKLE. OH MY GOD. OH FUCK, SOMEONE HELP HER. JESUS CHRIST!

Whew, scared me there for a moment, it's just a toy. I'm sorry but to me this ad seems to go against the grain a bit. You bet we didn't notice the T-Rex, but we are now, and I've got to say, it could definately use a fayreform bra because it is flaaaaat.
Not only have they stuck a half nude model into an ad with a T-Rex, but look what she's surrounded by. Mirror, red satin curtains, zebra skin rug... Wait, zebras AND dinosaurs? Jesus, which palientologist are you using?

Okay, so just in case you haven't gotten my point by now... the dinosaur is a distraction. Of course in this case it's not a bad destraction because really, no one in their right mind would ( I hope) want to stare at a womans bountiful breasts while there is a dianosaur to be found. Thank you fayreform, for once you've given us an ad that works completely against you.

PS: This would have been a much better way to do the ad:

#5: Post-it Notes "Finally, something I use that I can not use."

Well, we all knew it would come down to this eventually people. After dealing with D&G, Mastercard, banks, Axe the time has come to deal with a product that I personally use all the time.

Yes, Post-it notes. You stick them on your monitor, you write your grocery list on them. You stick them on the bathroom mirror so your partner wakes up and finds some cutesy little whatever waiting for them. *gag*

And yes, Post-it notes are on the list. Why? It's very simple. Not only does these piece of advertising suggest that men are insensitive jerks (guys be amazed, I'm defending you here) who are totally incapable of remembering the name of the girl they just slept with, and it's (once again) generally degrading to women, to suggest that they aren't important enough to require the memorizing of their name. No, no, why use up that precious brain capacity for things like names when you have Post-it notes?

Just out of curiosity, people who make Post-its: Have you ever used your own product before? Maybe tried sticking it to the forehead of your significant other before you drift off to sleep one night? Yeah, it's not going to be there in the morning. I hate to take this literally but when it comes right down to it, the product isnt that fantastic and the advertising is painfully straight forward.

Now, I may not be the nicest girl in the world. I'm bitter and cynical and yeah, I'm a feminist when it comes right down to it, but come on, give the male gender a little credit! As absent minded as they can be (in regards to things that the female gender may recall ((it works vice versa so don't think I'm attacking men)) they don't need Post-it notes that badly. What this ad is suggesting, when you get right down to it, is that relationships in this day and age have degraded into a state of total indifference, when you don't need 'together time' to get to know your partner. The relationship has broken down into a purely physical meeting and requires no emotional investment or time. After all, why waste a few precious minutes finding out she was named after Jane Bennett from Pride and Prejudice, or her favorite flower is a lily, or that she has a fear of grasshoppers? Personal information is useless, just slap a Post-it note on it and you'll never have to go through the awkward "Do you know what day it is?" schpeel.

Products like Post-it notes are out there to make your life easier, at least that's what they want you to believe. However we have to consider that perhaps in an effort to make life simpler, we're giving up on morals, and the power of relationships. Post-it would have you believe that it's too late for that now, we are in a new age after all. But I've got to say, it's never too late to ask her what she's afraid of and put some effort into memorizing it.

RBC: "What they don't tell you is that little Suzy is their leverage"

i can only imagine moving from one country to a new one (and being able to speak the language fluently) is most challenging. why, I recently moved to a new province, got a job, and just today, had my first 'new bank experience.'

Let me sum it up for you:

Me: I'd like to start an account so you can keep my money safe for me while I got to school.

Them: Do you have ID?

Me: I have these *Ids spill from pockets, except the important and ever fabled drivers license*

Them: You need a drivers license or something with picture ID.

Me: I have these four school IDs from High School and middle school.

Them: No, those won't work.

Me: But-

Them: Do you have your Alberta Health Insurance Card?

Me: No, I just moved here. I have my Alberta Childrens Hospital Card.

Them: No, that won't work.

Me: But that card got me through four surgeries. YOU'RE not correcting my spine, are you?

Them: It has to be a Health Insurance Card.

Me: But... but surgery! It.. what... I hate you.

Them: And you're not going to school?

Me: No, I'm trying to SAVE for school.

Them: A school ID would work too.

Me: But I just told you I had-

Them: From a university or college.

Me: So my last 12 years of education meant nothing to you, is that what you're telling me?

Them: So, social insurance card, health insurance card, student ID, drivers license.

Me: Would this be going any more smoothly if I told you I was from Istanbul or Uzbekistan.

Them: So we'll see you Friday!

Me: you're giving me 48 hours to get a piece of Government ID?

Them: Your appointment is with Adele.

Me: Where's the Black Market around here?

Them: Just bring in your ID...

Me: *walks away*

That was fun, really it was. I'm so GLAD the nice couple immigrating to Canada had such an easy time setting up a new bank account. Meanwhile, I couldn't pay these people to take my money (irony) without the proper ID. Because, you know, I've only been Me for the last eighteen years of my life.

I could have picked any commerical in particular to use, in the end it would be the same thing. Banks give you the happy, doe-eyed experience on TV, but when you get in there to give them money, god help you if you don't follow protocol.

When you get right down to it, this is a matter of false advertising. You're leading me to believe that I will be welcomed into the family, lovingly taken care of while my every need is seen to. Hell, I can even start an RRSP and start saving for my retirement NOW.

But as long as I can drive.

Or prove I am who I say I am.

Because one Children's hospital card, one BC health insurance card, four school ids, one social insurance card, and one birth certificate don't count. You know, I might have forged them or something.

You can't exactly protest banks, they are, unfortunately important to our lifestyles so instead of not using them, I'm simply going to avoid them at all cost. And you know what else I'm going to do? I'm not going to spend any money on crappy products that I don't like so my money will slowly add up over the years, and slowly but surely I'll get more and more interest, and then one day BAM, I'll go to the nearest branch and take out every last penny I ever invested in your feckless corporation and hide it under my mattress.

And you know what else? I bet it'll be a lot safer there.

Criminal #3- Dolce & Gabbana "With that well-oiled body, it's a wonder he can even touch her"

Now who wants to tell me what's wrong with this picture? I mean, apart from the fact that those guys look like Butterball turkeys (You're next., Christco!), and she's wearing stilettos that would make the Rockets cringe, and she's apparently drowned despite the fact that she isn't wet at all and her makeup is (what the advertisement world would consider) perfect, and that water you see in the background is probably half an inch deep max, and for someone drowning her back is awfully arched, oh, and of course the fact that she's probably going to be gang-raped the minute she shows any sign of life (of course I could be wrong, maybe signs of life don't matter to Butterball turkeys!)

Dolce & Gabbana, *sigh* I couldn't afford you then, I really don't want you now. Now, maybe I'm being a bit unfair, oh wait, no I'm not. Interesting piece of trivia, this specific piece of advertisement was declared illegal by Spain's Labours and Social Affairs ministry, stating that it was humiliating to women (you think?) and her position had nothing to do with the product.

Okay, thank you Spain's Labours and Social Affairs Ministry, but to be fair to D&G, what advertising for a major, high class, whatever-crap, clothing line has ever had anything to do with the product being sold? I'm not going to say none whatsoever, because you know that tomorrow I'll find something to dispute it.

Of course, that in no way justifies this piece of social bullshit. What the hell? Seriously. I'd like to know just what the creators of this ad were thinking? "Oh, let's give the suggestion that maybe she was drowning and the hot, abnormally greasy man was saving her when in reality the image we're trying to convey is that of an abnormally thing (but not greasy) woman about to get gang-raped." Because, if that was what they were trying to accomplish, they did it. Congratulations?

What's even more astonishing is that D&G actually criticized Spain for their complaints, calling them "...behind the times..." I'm sorry, as none-judgemental as I am, as openly as I have been raised, I don't think this is art. I'm disgusted that it counts as advertising. D&G obviously have very, um, unique? ideas of what makes something art. Yes, a cunningly placed nude can be art, a tree with a bush beside it can be art. A woman being pinned down by a greasy man while other equally greasy men look on? No, that's not art. That's actually (and here's the big shocker) what we in the human race call, every womans nightmare. There is nothing, nothing artistic about this piece of advertisement. There's nothing appropriate about it, nothing artistic, nothing that can justify that.

You know what I love most about this disturbing piece of advertisement? The guy on the far right is holding a glass of water... WHY? I don't understand? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? For the life of me, I will never understand how people, how these major organizations that (for whatever reason) continue to be so pivotal in their respective areas. (Notes, not 'respected' area) So, D&G, you're on the list. More than that, so help me god if I ever see another advertisement like that I will write you such a scathing letter, it'll make my grade 11 letter to Coca-Cola look like a Cole Notes version of 'Pride and Prejudice'... Which, incidentally, is way ahead of the times.