Criminal #22 Diesel Jeans "If it weren't a sickle I might find it enticing..."

So firstly, I'm sorry I've been gone. November was NaNoWriMo (I won! Wooot) and then I just just (five days ago) had back surgery so not only am I drugged up, jobless, and in pain, I've got some vengeance to dole out and YES you, old job, you're going to be very soon, very, very soon. However for now we have a bit of change, folks. Today's little piece of disturbing advertising shows something a bit new, mainly violence against men. Now traditionally we don't end up seeing much crap like this, I guess because in the eyes of ad execs. it's usually done "tastefully" (snort). I'm not quite sure what is tasteful about the following, maybe you can help me:

Ookay, so what do we have here? Girl on top of boy dressed in cowboy-esque attire, guy clearly enjoying something, and a sickle.

A sickle.

So, it might just be the drugs talking but I think, I think that sickle is supposed to represent a whip. Obviously the woman is enjoying herself and not really considering what is going to happen in 3.4 seconds when she goes to slap him and make him move faster (arterial spray is fast, maybe that's what they're going for?)

Like I said, violence towards men isn't exactly common and when you do see it, generally it is more of a kinky sort of thing which makes the weaker of both sexes go Oo and I guess titter a bit but the problem is glorifying violence against either gender is wrong. Of course women are commonly viewed as the weaker sex (because we, as you know, just have the ability to push cat sized objects through spaces as big as a garden hose. Thank you Cindal for that. ;)) And because we're viewed as 'weaker' we are for the most part, on the receiving side of the violence in the media, so when you see something like that with a guy about to get... I don't even really know, for the most part we don't bat an eye.

Is our world really so boring that those in charge with coming up with these ideas can't think of anything else apart from violence? I get that we're surrounded by it, and the fact that today's youth is for the most part desensitized towards it certainly helps make their case, but I don't know, somehow wearing a pair of pants that would get me killed by a sickle really isn't that enticing... Maybe that's just me.

In other news:

I'm really drugged up right now, all happy hospital drugs of course, but the years (because this is the 5th time I've done this) has taught me that I can't actually really spell or form coherent sentences when on them, so I apologize for the above post.

Seeing as how the year is coming to an end (hard to believe) I've decided I'm extending my plan. Anyone taking part (hi mom!) doesn't have to continue with me, but the fact that I haven't bought post it notes for a whole year and I HAVEN'T gone into cardiac arrest is a good reason to continue. So New Years Eve is going to be filled with a giant rant about the above place of work, and New Years Day I will present a series of some of the more and less offensive (for obvious reasons) photos I can locate without large explanations, they'll be added to the list, which should help get this new year rolling (one of them is Lego, fyi.)

Criminals #19, 20, 21 "I'm talking Hitler eating a pony and brushing his teeth with a kitten evil"

This one goes out to all you kids who go partying. Here's me, encouraging you to try something else because the following beers are now on notice (once again, sorry Stephen T. Colbert)

Coors Light:

I'm sorry, since when has being a total scumbag been attractive? you do realize that if either of the sisters found out you were dating both of them you would incur the wrath of TWO females. And trust me, the bond of sisterhood is a hell of a lot stronger than your pipes.

Bud Light:

It's a sad, sad day when fun can only be obtained by drinking. You know how me and my friends have fun? It's starts with a little line that goes something like this: "Did I tell you my friend Tom has Ebola?"

I digress. Not only does this ad suggest booze is needed for fun, look at the ages of the four (and a half) people, they can't be any older than probably 25. So Bud is pandering to what they believe must be the lowest common denominator, after all, all of us under 25 are too thick to realize we're being manipulated...Or are we?

Molson Canadian (Light and normal):



This is just disgusting. Did you know a total of 981 people died in drunk driving related crashes in 2000 (in Canada) source: http://www.safety-council.org/info/traffic/impaired/stats.html
It's bad enough that the company is mixing the subconscious idea of drinking with the in-your-face idea of death, MADD was probably having a field day. To me there are some things that just shouldn't mix, ideas that just shouldn't be put together in an effort to promote...whatever. Drinking and death are two of those things.
You know when else there's plenty of time to sleep? Between 10 pm and 7 am. Awesome.

Images courtesy of http://www.apolnet.ca/arapo/galleries/sample-q.html The three were only among a few images of alcohol related ads that appeared in the Ontario region and violated the Liquor Advertising Guidelines, also something worth taking a look at.

It's not that I have an issue with drinking (friends will tell you I don't do it often, which is true, but not because I'm against it) What I have an issue with is the glorification of something that can have such terrible results. Ignore the health problems like liver failure and look at it on a personal level; binges that leave you isolated from your family, or worse, injuring them, all because you can't control yourself. Anything in moderation is fine, but the fact is as a society we're too idiotic to realize the mistakes we're making until it's too late. Until we can control ourselves and our habits, 'engaging' ads like those need to be reevaluated and possibly even removed from the public. It sucks that we're so easily brainwashed, but what can you do apart from becoming more aware?

Criminal #18 Absolut Vodka "Daddy loves you very much, NOW SHUT UP"

I had this big plan to do a tribute to the nerds in advertising buuuut as it turns out I couldn't find any that weren't degrading. I guess the idea of "sexy" and "hot" created by the media is now the only sort of man available. Instead I stumbled on this beauty, and hey! We don't focus on the food industry nearly enough so take a look at this:

Classy, to say the least. Let's forget for a moment that alcoholism is a big problem in North America, heck, let's ignore the whole issue of drunk driving. Let's focus on what this image is saying to us:

Family + Vodka = good times for all! Never in all my years would I associate a happy family with vodka, any liquor for that matter. Absolut Welcome? Sure, as long as you bring booze, because if this family isn't boozed up for the holiday season they become impossible to deal with. When did 'family' get so hard that we had to start drinking to deal with it? More importantly, when did it become acceptable to use the concept of 'family' to sell vodka? It's like using children in an ad for erotic toys. They don't mix, they shouldn't mix, and if they ever do, people should be up in arms about it.

More than anything I think it's disgusting that we just sort of shrug this sort of thing off. Now, I'm not the sort of person that get's riled up about 'The state of today's family system.' Sure, family is great, as long as they're sane and love each other. I don't think it should matter who is in the family, or who makes up the family, as long as they're happy. However, I will not deny that there certainly is a problem these days, divorce rates are high, and it seems like the only way parents feel they can get their kids through it is with drugs or therapy. Whatever happened to family meetings? To sitting down and discussing the issues at hand? Well I guess "daddy's having an affair" doesn't exactly spark a happy family, especially when mom is drowning her sorrows in Absolut and the kids are too drugged up to notice.

Stick to sex, Absolut. You've got no place in a family.

Criminal #17 Mac "No this isn't personal. It's more like...ah hell, it's personal"

So I thought about today's post being a tribute to all the nerdy guys used in ads buuuuuut I couldn't find any (wait for tomorrows update to learn more) and instead I went searching for one of those "Get a Mac" ads I had seen long ago where, unbeknownst to the Mac consumers, Apple basically calls their supporters dumb.

Now I'll admit, I didn't hop on the Mac/Apple bandwagon, mostly because I got sick of my brother trying to convince me that his Mac was quite simply the greatest creation since sliced bread. I'm all for having an OS that works for you, but like your religion, or your politics, don't try to force it on me. Hearing day after day how fantastic your Mac is doesn't make me want to buy one. It makes me want to break your jaw, snap your Mac over my knee and then ram its circuit board down your gullet until you're excreting bits of ram in your pants. My favorite moment during our Mac VS PC battle (and believe me, there were many battles) came when I was burning a cd onto my writing computer Gracie. The only thing that makes her remotely unique is that she isn't actually connected to the internet, so burning with windows media player means that I have to manually put in all the artist info myself instead of letting the internet do it. So the brother unit comes into my room, essentially points and laughs and says "If you had a Mac, you wouldn't have to do that." "No" I reply, "I would, because Gracie isn't connected to the internet. Did you think a bunch of intelligent pixies live inside your computer and constantly update your cd info when you don't have a wifi connection?" I didn't actually say that but he got my point. He also didn't believe that I could get artist info like he could on his itunes. I'm not sure WHY he thought I couldn't get it, but news flash: I can.

Anyways, back to my point. You might miss it, and again it is more of a nit-picky detail, but Apple has essentially just called its consumers "simple" (as well as intuitive, but I don't think your Mac is going to be able to give you a heads up when you have to go to the bathroom anymore than a PC so there goes that arguement." Since when has it been a compliment to be called simple? The human brain is a miracle if ever one existed, synapses, electrons buzzing around, all that grey matter that is so particular that the slightest injury can alterate for the rest of a persons life. What's simple about that? Oh sure, I'll just run out to the brain store and buy a new one, after all, my brain is exactly like the brain of that homeless guy down the street with the leaky eye... oh wait, no it isn't. That's right I'm a unique person and my brain is completely uniqie to me (unless I have an identical twin floating around that no one told me about).

The problem isn't that Apple used the term 'simple' to describe its consumers; it's the fact that they got away with it and no one seemed to notice. Everyone says "oh yeah, it's cute. Jon from the Daily Show is awesome lolz." Are we really so blind that we can be insulted every day by the very corporations that are running our lives? They get away with tasteless (and may I add over-down) crap like this because we're a passive community, we've absolutely given up.

Screw you "Get a Mac" I want that stoned Ellen chick back.

Criminal #16: Colgate "For those of you with no teeth, please disregard."

It's been a while, but I'm back and as bitchy as ever (not in the stereotypical female is bitchy oo what a suprise sort of way.)







So it turns out all you have to do is type in "Bad Advertising" into google and you find a goldmine. Some of them inappropriate because of sexuality, some of it bad for the type of humor used. Today's is a latter; lets keep in mind that the point of this blog, this social experiment if you will, is to be stubborn, picky, petty even. The points don't have to be good, they don't even have to make sense. The ads should just irk you.





Without further ado I give you...


Nondecript Elderly Indian Person With No Teeth

What... the hell Colgate? Seriously, is there anything more insulting to a human being? That's like buying a blind person a Picasso, or giving a deaf man a lost Led Zeppelin recording. There are some things that just aren't appropriate. I'm sure Colgate just thought it was pithy, that the irony was going to be great.

You want some irony Colgate? What good is toothpaste when there's no food to eat?

Criminal #15: Energizer "Viagra also makes it keep going and going..."

Every so often you run into one of those commercials that makes you go "Naah?" and then shift awkwardly in your seat. It's a bit like being a teenage boy and watching Juno with your mum, or so I'm led to believe from several teenage boy sources. This would be one of those ads, for me at least, mostly for the subtle suggestive ideas that arise when you really think about it.

So let's look at it shall we? (clicky clicky for a bigger piccy) So we've got to very bored little uns' a girl and a boy, observe the boys penis. A new fascination to be sure, and I'm sure tiny, probably about the size of an energizer battery.

You see the first issue I have isn't that it's two kids looking at the penis, it's the fact that this ad makes me think about just what they're thinking about. Dirty, dirty pictures in my head. Sexuality and youth are (I'd say) the two strongest weapons advertisers have on their size, and this certainly isn't the first time they've been mixed together. A few Johnson & Johnson baby ads come to mind that I'll have to hunt down later.

Next, to the more subtle elements. Okay, actually, only one. Wait no, two, but I already mentioned the battery in comparison to penis size so that ones out. Look in the top left hand corner where Energizer has slapped their name and cute little catch phrase. "Never let their toys die" Yeah, and we all know what you mean by toys, right? Some may think that's the paranoia speaking but I guarantee you that is exactly the reference these advertisers were trying to make. Don't believe me? What little toy do you see in the boy? A wand, right? One of those little light-up jobbies that you can wave around and be amused by. Why a wand? Why not a Rubix cube? A Transformer? A Gameboy? A set of blocks that can be used to teach your child letters? Hell, a teddy bear would have been just as good, oh right, but that doesn't use batteries.

Let me give you a mathematical equation to chew on

Batteries = Viagra for kids.

Energizer, I have no pithy phrase to tell you I think you're scum and whatnot. So, yeah, not going and going anymore are you? Yeah, take that.

Criminal #14: PUMA "That's...not hummas on your leg, is it?"

I've got to give props to Je at FFWA for putting it in her sig, or else I probably would have never run across it.

Yeah... This one is pretty self explanatory, isn't it?

EDIT: Self explanatory and yet, I just have to point a few things out. I get in the fashion world, somehow dressing like the traditional school girl is getting more and more... I don't know, popular? But let's take a step back for a moment an examine this for what it is. Obvious ad taking the 'sex sells' idea too far, but then with closer examination they bring up some bigger points.

Underaged sex. Might just be me but the fishnets and the tartan skirt really scream out "Look at me, I'm a middle schooler in 2008!" Could be because I just graduated last year and with the middle school across the street I got to see the kinds of clothes kids wore every day. I also got to see how it got less and less, every day. They've put a grown up idea on a youthful model. Are they secretly trying to promote underaged sex? I'm not a prude but I do believe it is a special thing that needs to be taken seriously with the proper steps and precautions. That being said, preeeeetty sure her giving him head was a spur of the moment thing, considering it looks like they're stationed in a dark alley somewhere.

Good job, PUMA! You're disgusting!

Criminal #13: Stouffer's Skillet Sensations

It's been ages baby, but I'm back and I'm just as infuriated as ever. What now, you ask? What could have possibly pissed me off now? Well, the hard truth of the matter is this: I work in a mall, worse than that, I have a job that involves the two main industries responsible for stereotypes as we know them (hello movies and music). As much as I'd like my first post after a long hiatus to be a huge rip into the company I work for, I think that would be a bad idea so I'll just say this: The amount of things I'm seeing on a daily basis that piss me off are phenomenal. The list is getting longer by the day.

Today's criminal is one that I happened to see numerous times the other day while I was home with the flu. Stouffer's Skillet Sensations. What's wrong with a fast, easy, and healthy meal you ask? I'm sure the meal is fine, it's the latest advertising ploy that's making me sick.

The Hunt for the Sensational Husband Challenge

Okay, sure, I'm all for trying to hunt sensational husbands down, get them to stop hiding and whatnot, but I think, I think they may have gone about it the wrong way. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip of the commercial so bare with me. Essentially the commerical is suggesting that A) Husbands never cook and/or need to be persuaded into doing it B) Cooking dinner once makes you a sensational husband and C) Men are too dumb to handle anything that isn't prepackaged and ready to be tossed in a pan. (See guys, I'm standing up for you here!)

Visit the site http://www.skilletsensations.ca/en/men/ to take a look at the contest. It's very straight forward, every six weeks Stouffer's will send a postcard to your home, inviting the man of the house to make dinner (right after he finishes his ice cold martini and you get his slippers for him). Bla, bla, bla, you win prizes, yadda, yadda, trip for two to Australia. Sure, it sounds appealing, but what are the undertones of the commerical saying?

Cooking is a womans job normally. Men need things prepackaged. Women and men alike should be amazed and consider him to be sensational for doing a task that really ought to be shared in the house anyways.

Sorry, we fought for equal rights for how many years and people still believe a womans place is in the kitchen? I don't think so. And what about single fathers, do they order out every night or do their children just starve or is it even remotely possible that they *gasp* have cooking skills and are capable of feeding their children every night?

It's a subtle commentary on our society today. No matter how modern we consider ourselves, commercials like this keep pulling us back with the simplest suggestions. Here's a challenge for you, Stouffer's: Visit a real home where both parents are working nine to five monday through friday. Visit a real home where man and wife (wife and wife, man and man, wherever you live, whoever you love I dont care) work together as a team to take care of their children and put food on the table every night. I hope I find one of these commericals to post because it basically explains itself.

Stouffer's, you're on the list.

Reevaluation time

It's a little difficult to present world-altering ideas when you're not willing to stick to them yourself and/or draw a sketchy line so you can dance back and forth on the topic, so here's my resolve: I know it's Buy and Die, but for my purpose, and this doesn't have to be yours, Buy and Die means Consume and Die. I want to focus as much on the food industry as I do fashion, entertainment, and life style related things. This is a matter of physical health, as well as the health of your bank account (yeah, you banks are just laughing it up, aren't you?) so just because you didn't buy the can of pepsi or coke or Micky D's doesn't mean you can consume it. And when I say you, I mean me. I mean, you as a participant would be wise to choose the same path, or else you'll just start finding little loop holes in my badly devised plan. And by 'you' I actually do mean you. You're only cheating yourself, amIright? I love putting those three words together. I feel so deliciously evil. Grammatically evil too.

Criminal #12: Coca Cola "VICTORY!"

I have waited my whole life (okay, last two and a half years) for a chance to do this. Coca Cola. You SUCK. YOU, my friend, ARE ON NOTICE (Please don't sue me, Stephen T. Colbert) I know some people out there are a little stunned, I mean, Coke and Pepsi? I can't do that to a person. Oh, oh yeah, I can. I suppose the only thing stopping me from putting Coke as the #1 Evil Corporate Product was the fact that although I had some proof they were villains in the Corporate World, I didn't feel as if I had enough to back up my own personal hate of them.

Thus, my next thanks extends to Craig, my well-meaning, albeit giver of pain Physiotherapist. I was getting my back worked over, once again a few tuesday's ago when somehow Craig and I got onto the topic of Coca Cola. I mentioned, as I do to everyone who will listen, that I am 100% against Coke in every way possible,to which he replied, "Oh, you mean the water thing."

What water thing? It's been a couple years since I watched the Cola Wars (great documentary, everyone should see it) and if they made mention of "The Water Thing" I certainly didn't remember it, so he went on.

As it turns out, all across India communities are suffering water shortages. Why, you ask? Well quite simply, those communities that house, or are near Coca Cola bottling plants, are having their water siphoned from the ground by this Spawn of Satan Soft Drink (Thank you alliterations). To make matters worse (and lets remember, this is India, one of the last places on earth that needs to have these sorts of problems) tests have been done on ground water found well below the surface. Anyone want to guess what they discovered? Not only a strange taste and smell, but severe pollution to the ground water.

As it turns out, Coca Cola has been (or had been, I've yet to find an up-to-date article) dumping their sewage from the plants into rivers, streams, and fields around its plants. The soil and water has been polluted and signs were posted to warn people that the water they could find was unsafe for human consumption.

Now, I'm not particularly scientifically inclined but I seem to recall a day in biology where the teacher stressed the importance of water. Or maybe that was Coca Cola. I can't remember now.

For those of you that aren't impressed by the science aspect of it, let's look at something a little more personal. Now, I'm Canadian, and we're a mosaic country. People of all shapes and sizes and colours, living together as a united nation but still maintaining our own separate identities, and because I'm as white as the day is long I can't necessarily understand this as much as someone who lives in a country that isn't a mosaic (or even a melting pot), but hear me out.

Green tea, a staple in the Asian culture. They surround their most holy and sacred ceremonies around the art of preparing and consuming the drink. It is arguably the most identified part of Asia (apart from Manga and Sushi of course). So imagine for a moment, China or Japan without green tea. Hard to think about right? I'm mean sure, times are a-changin' ma, but some things always remain the same, don't they? Not if Coca Cola has it's way. That's right, everyones favorite teeth-rotting drink somehow snuck into the Asian market and guess what? It's winning. It's beating the tea so it's no longer green but more black and blue. Part of the Asian culture is disappearing more and more everyday because this grotesque organization is more concerned with the profits they're rolling in as opposed to the price of tradition.

The same thing goes for Russia, and Kvass (or Kvas, I'm finding different spellings of it). Go ahead, make your jokes about Vodka being the national drink, pretty soon you'll be making them about Coca Cola, because that's what's taking over. Kvas is nearly nonexistant now, and not because the elderly babooshkas are suffering from dementia, but because Coca Cola has once again snuck into a country a little down on its luck and promised the revive the economy with the simple introduction of a Coke machine on every corner.

So what else can I say about it? Let's hit North America, shall we? If you've gone to High School, or Middle School, and maybe even some elementary schools, you've seen them. That's right, the Coke or Pepsi machines (but never both of them together.) More and more these companies are trying to clean up their image by supporting the education of todays youth. All we hacve to do in return is pass by Pepsi machines (a la my high school) every day. There were 1, 2, 3, 4... Yup, four of them at good ol' Mount Boo, and you can guarantee that come Friday afternoon they were all empty. It was disturbing the way we bought into them because the drinks were inexpensive and gave us the quick energy we needed. God only knows what it must have done to our bodies.

So with Coke and Pepsi on the list, what are you going to drink? Try water, I've heard it's great. And if that doesn't suit you, ice tea crystals with soda water, very yummy. Just don't drink Coke.

#11 Nestle: "Sure it tastes good, but the guilt will make you lose 20 pounds!"

Oh you all knew it was coming. It was inevitable that Nestle joined the ranks of the miserable s.o.bs that I refuse to support. However the question remains; which controversy will I aim at? Should it be the Ethiopian baby formula scandal (where some braniac in Nestle decided it would be a good idea to go into third world countries and tell nursing women that actually, they were better off if they used Nestle Baby Formula to nurse their babes instead of breast milk.) For those of you that aren't up-to-date with biology, it's through the mothers breast milk that infants get many of their antibodies, helping them survive. So by telling them not to nurse, basically they condemned thousands of infants to death. Meanwhile the water which was being used to milk said baby formula was, of course, dirty and generally unhealthy, so this led to thousands of gastrointestinal diseases in infants. Brilliant Nestle. Absolutely brilliant.

Ethiopia: -1 Nestle's Corrupt Board members: +3

Next lets take a look at a little thing we call child slave labor. You heard me right. That delicious chocolate that you like to enjoy (by the way North America, you do not need any more chocolate. Heart disease number one killer what?)
http://www.organicconsumers.org/fair_trade/slavechocolate060414.cfm

The UN estimates there are roughly 284,000 child slaves in West Africa, mostly along the ivory coast, harvesting those beans that make that delicious chocolate you like to enjoy. Feeling guilty yet? Probably not, I haven't built much of a case for it. Some argue that these children have jobs. Now they have money to buy food with. If that's what you're thinking, let me ask you this: Would you be alright with your four year old harvesting cacao beans for 1 cent an hour? If you answered yes then you probably shouldn't be allowed to have children.

Not convinced Nestle is evil yet? Well I'm sure you remember 2005 in Venezuela, yeah what was that? Approximately 500 pets died from what? Oh yeah, contaminated Purina food. Purina, a Nestle brand name. Apparently Nestle stored the food inappropriately which led to a high influx of food contaminated with the fungus containing aflatoxin.

If you aren't convinced yet, there's nothing I can do. Apparently you're just a heartless person. So go out there, poison your cat, support slave labor and while you're at it, make sure to buy some of that healthy baby formula. Mix it with the sewer water and feed it to your new born! If it's good enough for Ethiopia, it's got to be good enough for you, right?

#10: McDonalds "I'll love it if it pays to have my clogged arteries scraped"

There's no doubt about it, McDonalds is a staple in any North American childhood. It's where you go if you want a quick meal (According to ads, also good place for "family time") while having the option to play in a pit of germ-covered plastic balls. It's where kids can get a meal and a toy, and most recently, it's where divorcee fathers take their kids every other Saturday because they can't think of anything else to do (Hi, Dad.)

My little sister loves McDonalds, at least she did last time I spoke to her. What's not to love? There are bright colours, friendly faces, a clown that would probably watch you in your sleep given the option, and of course, the healthy food. Oh, wait, that's right. There's supposed to be an 'un' prefix there. I meant to say UNhealthy.

I was watching the Colbert Report last night, as I do every night (Hi, Stephen Colbert!) and he did a spot on people destroying America, this time focusing an a woman who protested the use of McDonalds offering a free happy meal to kids who got good report cards. I'd heard a bit off an on about this, there are a few sites on the internet that show you these report cards and the happy-go-lucky clown on them, offering you up a slim moment of happiness for your excellent grades. (http://middledigit.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/advertising-report-card.jpg)

So what's wrong with this? A couple of things actually. 1) Rewarding your child with an unhealthy prize. I'm all for supporting kids if they do well in school, but don't take them to McDonalds. Take them to the book store, get them something to feed their little brain. Go to the circus, they can see a real clown, hell take them out for a shrimp tree, at least there won't be the off chance that their conusuming a small child from South Bangladash (that's right, it's people.) Your child is obviously young an impressionable, now is not the time to start rewarding good behaviour with bad gifts. If your child is doing so well in school, shouldn't you be expanding on that? Maybe teach them a thing or two about nutritional value. Speaking of which, here's a nifty way for them to understand!
http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/manufacturer/36.html

B- 1% Low Fat Chocolate Milk Jug - Beverages
B- 1% Low Fat Milk Jug - Beverages
B- 1% Lowfat Milk
D 1000 Island salad dressing
C Apple Bran Muffin
D Apple Danish
B- Apple Dippers
B- Apple Dippers with Low Fat Caramel Dip
Apple Juice
D Bacon Bits
A- Bacon Ranch Salad - (without chicken and dressing)
C Bacon Ranch Salad with Crispy Chicken
C+ Bacon Ranch Salad with Grilled Chicken
F Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit - Breakfast
D+ Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddles - Breakfast
C+ Bagel
C- Baked Apple Pie
Barbeque Sauce - Chicken McNuggets Sauces
F Big Breakfast
D+ Big Mac - Sandwiches
D Big Mac All-Beef Hamburger Patty - (burger only, prepared with Grill Seasoning)
B- Big Mac Bun with sesame seeds
F Big Mac Sauce
D+ Big N' Tasty - Sandwiches
D+ Big N' Tasty with Cheese - Sandwiches
C- Biscuit - Breakfast
D Bleu Cheese dressing
B- Butter Garlic Croutons
D+ Butterfinger McFlurry - Desserts/Shakes - (12 fl oz cup)
A- Caesar Salad - (without chicken and dressing)
C+ Caesar Salad with Crispy Chicken
B- Caesar Salad with Grilled Chicken
B+ California Cobb Salad - (without chicken and dressing)
C California Cobb Salad with Crispy Chicken
C+ California Cobb Salad with Grilled Chicken
D Cheese Danish
D+ Cheeseburger - Sandwiches
C+ Chef Salad
Chicken Fajita
C- Chicken McGrill
D- Chicken McNuggets - (20 piece)
D Chicken McNuggets - (10 piece)
D Chicken McNuggets - (6 piece)
D Chicken McNuggets - (4 piece)
D Chicken McNuggets
Chicken McNuggets Sauces - Honey Mustard
Chicken McNuggets Sauces - Light Mayonnaise
D+ Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips
C- Chocolate Chip Cookie - Desserts/Shakes
C- Chocolate Triple Thick Shake - Desserts/Shakes - (21 fl oz cup)
C- Chocolate Triple Thick Shake - Desserts/Shakes - (16 fl oz cup)
C- Chocolate Triple Thick Shake - Desserts/Shakes - (32 fl oz cup)
C- Chocolate Triple Thick Shake - Desserts/Shakes - (12 fl oz cup)
B- Chunky Chicken Salad
D Cinnamon Raisin Danish
D+ Cinnamon Roll
Coca-Cola Classic - (Super Size)
Coca-Cola Classic - (Small)
Coca-Cola Classic - (Large)
Coca-Cola Classic - (Medium)
Coca-Cola Classic - (Child)
Coffee - (Small)
Coffee - (Large)
Coffee - (Medium)
D+ Crispy Chicken
C- Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad - (without dressing)
C Crispy Chicken Caesar Salad - (without dressing)
C- Crispy Chicken California Cobb Salad - (without dressing)
Diet Coke - (Small)
Diet Coke - (Medium)
Diet Coke - (Super Size)
Diet Coke - (Large)
Diet Coke - (Child)
F Double Cheeseburger - Sandwiches
D Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese - Sandwiches

You don't have to be the star student of the third grade to see that there are a lot of D's and F's being handed out, and that's only the first page. Even the orange juice is only getting a C+. ORANGE JUICE. What's so difficult about it? You take an orange, you squeeze! Where can you lose the nutrition- oh, that's right, it's not real orange juice.
So nutritional value aside (or lack thereof) what are the other problems? Let's go back


to the young and impressionable idea for a moment. We don't need today's youth looking at this (see the report card) anymore than we need them looking at the Dolce Gabbana ad. Advertising is advertising no matter how you package it, and these children are just learning to understand what's around them and what certain things mean. Start them off early and they'll continue to think that it's normal for their lives to be covered in corporate stamps. McDonalds supports that, Disney supports this, Nike gives you shoes, Coca Cola gives you Christmas.

You have to catch kids early if you want them to grow up as active viewers (as opposed to the passive viewers that exist as they drool over their report cards). Don't get me wrong, there is a place for a corporate sponser, sports teams, areas, music events, but school is not one of them. Teachers have a hard enough time trying to get through to the Need-TV generation as it is, the last thing they need is to be competing with a giant like McDonalds. Kids need to be focused on what they're doing, and doing it for themselves, not because they get a Happy Meal out of the deal (which, incidently, would not have made me work any harder when I reached Middle and High School. So why isn't McDonalds hitting them up? It's not because we're too old, it's because we're just a little bit smarter than when we were in elementary school and buying us off isn't that easy.)

So what have we got? Rewarding children with things not nutritional, allowing young minds to become passive in their media viewing, and generally letting Corporate America roll over the school system. Need something else to convince you? Okay...

UM. Ha, okay... Maybe in some cultures it's normal to get it on with a sacrificial lamb before setting it on fire so the gods may receive it, but here in North America, generally sticking anything of your person inside of a sandwich other than, say, a finger to get out that slice of tomato you don't like, is frowned upon. I don't know who they have coming up with these slogans but I'd bet you anything that if we put them in a bad part of town for a night, they wouldn't be walking out in the morning. And look that that guys expression, it looks like he's actually considering sticking his penis inside the burger.

So that leaves me with one thought:

Wouldn't the cheese leave some serious burn marks?

Criminal #9: Slim Fast "Obviously you're too FAT. If you weren't so FAT then you would be happy, isn't that right FATTIE?"

There's no denying it, many women (not all by any means, and of course this applies to men too) have self esteem problems. This comes directly from the media. Yeah, no shit, that's pretty obvious isn't it? when you have people like Eva Longoria and Beyonce' 'Look at my boobs' Knowles prowling the advertising world and struting they're over-plastered, make-uped faces, no wonder us gals feel less than attractive a lot of the time. Don't be fooled though. What you're seeing there isn't true beauty. What you're seeing is seven clever makeup artists and one digital editor who is having the time of his life putting his kid through college with this one job because Loreal and Maybe-she's-not-born-with-it-Maybellene are scared that their product isn't appealing to the normal woman. What better way to get it out there than by having the most A-Typical examples of beauty indorse your product in a 30 second spot. Yeah, that'll make me want to buy it. Tell me what deodorant Jane Goodall uses and maybe I'll think about it.

But I digress. Today's shameful example of trouncing on every womans selfesteem is none other than Slim Fast. That's right, those wonderful weightloss drinks available for fatties everywhere. Because that's what we all are, isn't it? Fat. Inside. Outside. Fat, fat, fat. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with these just because they make great morning breakfast drinks if you're on the go (or you sleep in like me) but the ads you see posted here are truly disturbing.

See, here are my issues with these ads. #1: One can only assume that the fiance did actually see the woman before he proposed to her, which means he was aware of at least her general weight, which means he fell in love with her as she was, not for who she's trying to become with excessive Slim Fast consumption. #2: One can only assume that if the fiance didn't like the womans weight he might comment on it before propsing to her and getting himself into a lifetime commitment. And #3: One can only assume, and I really hope this one is right, that if he did have a problem with her weight, she would punch him, pack up her stuff, and just for ironies sake eat his dog before leaving him. I put in the eating the dog thing because I think it would make a great visual. "Think I'm fat, huh? Guess how fat I'll be after I finish Skippers legs!"

What is it about our society that thinks the weight of a woman is so important. Okay, wait, lets establish right now that there's is a difference between being overweight and being your healthy natural weight. A person shouldn't confuse one for the other. That out of the way, let's got back to my original point. Society and it's refusal to acknowledge that a woman is beautiful no matter what her size. Granted, I'm pretty tiny, but so is my mom. It's my natural weight, and whoever told you that being thin was better than having some meat on your bones lied to you. I have lots of friends that are a little more on the hefty side (none of them, none of them are overweight though) and if I had a penny for every guy I have ever heard say he prefers a little more flesh to a girl I would have, I don't know, maybe 40, 50 bucks? And I would have no self esteem. But you know what? I do have selfesteem, because despite the fact that I went through middle and high school being called anorexic I am perfectly comfortable in my skin (and I am one of the least likely people to say that, because I look like the freaking bride of Frankenstein's monster will all the scars I've got.)

So I'm not sure where companies like Slim Fast get off telling a woman that on the most important day of her life, when everything should, and essentially does revolve around her, there is a chance she'll be too fat. Don't listen to a word they're telling you girls. The first step to happiness with your man isn't good sex, it isn't a perfect home, or a well paying job. It's you and your partner being comfortable with who you are. Love yourself, as you were made, with the genes you inherited (no one understands that one better than me), with as much booty or lacktherof that you've got. And guys, don't feel like you need the six pack or the bronzed skin. And if for an instant you think maybe your other half won't like you for just your personality remember, you fell in love with someone else too, not just the body. Because bodies fade, and all the Slim Fast in the world won't help those wrinkles when they start showing. so will you still love each other then? I bet you will (ignoring the divorce rate statistics.)

Criminal #8: Pepsi "..FINALLY!"

Anyone who knows me particularly well knows I'm filled with nothing but contempt for two major thing sin the world: Coca-Cola and Pepsi (True winner is Clive Cussler but that's a different category altogether.) Those of you that haven't seen it yet, rent or buy The Cola Wars, it's a documentary that takes you through the lifelines of both Coke and Pepsi and the competitions that have taken place, and the war that continues to surge every day. As far as I've learned, most people seem to favor Coke over Pepsi, personally I think one tastes like my teeth rotting, and the other tastes like my brain melting, and I can't tell any greater difference than that.

Why don't I like them? Simple really, our North american culture has already been ravaged by the cola kings, but over the last (lets say 30, really thowing that number out there) 30 years the fingers of these ruthless corporations have been slipping into the many cultures of the world outside of North America. Why is this a problem? Again, very simple. Canada is a Mosaic of cultures. Immigrants can take comfort knowing that they can easily keep their traditions and life styles upon entering our country, likewise, the US is a melting pot, where eventually everyone melds together. There's nothing wrong with that really, it's simply the way it is. Because we exist that way, changes to the culture as a general (trends, ect) are bound to happen, you expect them.

But what about Japan? Granted, not the best example as they pretty much hoover up any latest trend, but think about how long Japan remained an independent civilization after the discovery of North America, think about how the gentle and romantic culture of the ronin and feudal lords existed and then, blam, fell the minute foreigners struck.

Not convinced? Okay, Kvass. Haven't heard of it? I'm not surprisd. It is a traditional Russian drink. Like Asia has its green tea, Russia has it's Kvass. Except now Russia doesn't have it's Kvass because Coca Cola and Pepsi thought it might be a nice idea to sneak in there and choke the Russian culture with their killer pops (incidently, a while ago Coke decided it was no longer selling 'carbonated beverages' but 'sparkling sodas' so the phrase that many associate with yummy carbonated fruit drinks now also applies to Coke). Russia isn't the only victim though, so is China and Japan, andi don't know about the US but in Canada you can't walk through a school or a mall without being blinded by the ads.

So why is Pepsi the only one I'm putting on the list today? Well, unfortunately I've yet to find any really offensive Coke advertising (they're the real evil if you ask me, Pepsi is the lesser, but still... evil enough.) Well, in case you didn't notice the pictures earlier (internets comes in braille now?) the items of clothing seen previously all have something in common. What's that? Oh, why that's just a Pepsi symbol? Your ass is a bilboard? Why yes, yes it is. What's wrong Pepsi? You tired of losing out to Coke, you have to make us spread your message of unhealthy bodies? Best of all, guess what the price range is for these items.

$25-$75

Yeah, so $1.50 for a can of Pepsi (or whatever the hell it is now) apparently isn't enough for the company, they need more... more! Feed me, lemmings. Feed me all night long.

Criminal #7 Lee Jeans "Is she even wearing denim?"

Take a look at the following two pictures:

















Now, obviously I've edited them, badly, to get out the logos. Fortunately for both of us the logos are the only, only identifying feature of the two ads. Without them, you have no way to know what's being advertised do you? To me the first one doesn't even make sense, what is that? Oil? Is her hair turning into oil? I'm all for insanely creative (possibly drug infused) images, but there's a limit. When you've got a young woman spreading herself out like that, (See Dolce and Gabbana) with such obvious sexual connotations, you have to wonder, what has that got to do with the product?

As for the second bilboard, that makes even less sense to me. On first glance I would assume they were advertising chupa chups or something, I mean she is sucking... Oh, I get it now. And what with her boob half hanging out like that, how could we have no seen it sooner? Our society is so obsessed with age. Older men chasing after girls half their age, women determined to smother themselves in this mask or that in hopes of taking away just a few of the old lines. Now we have ads with someone, probably my age, that's giving guys boners while they think "Holy shit, if I buy that product she'll do that to ME." Crude, I know, and true. Ad companies don't gtive guys enough credit as far as the brain department goes. Believe it or not, some of them actually do think with things other than their penises.

Curious as to who our big criminal is? Check it out



















That's right, Lee jeans. Now tell me, did you at any point in time think to yourself "Wow, I want to go buy a pair of jeans because that's obviously what that bilboard and ad must be advertising."

I didn't. Of course the tempation to visit the nearest red light district in total secrecy did strike my fancy but I managed to supress it because I have this thing called integrity I choose not to compromise daily. Those don't even look like jeans. And you, girl with the oil hair, you have serious hemoglobin issues! Your pale skin is not a good thing! Your childish outift is just another attempt by a raging corporation to hide the line between child and adult, "I'm a big kid now" is it? At least pampers isn't selling condoms.













And in a more artistic view, look at the colours they use. The first one has very light colours, lots of white to show a persons innocence, lots of black to show the dark sort of side we all have, and then the red. Red is a sexual colour. Red is the colour of the satin sheets you lay out before a steamy night. Red, whether we like to admit it or not, has always been a sexual colour. Where is the red in the first picture? Think about where your eyes are being drawn?

And the second one, red finger nails, red lollypop, and a red belt all amongst darker shades of blue so they really 'pop' (that's not all that's about to pop, if you get my drift.) It's strange, but true, without realizing it those colours mean a lot to us. But that's all part of being passive viewers. We don't notice the colour, we only notice the message of the colour. "These girls are hot, and young, and if I buy or wear Lee jeans, they'll be hot and young with me."

Crinminal #6: Fayreform "You can't see the dinosaur because her boobs are in the way!"

The quality is bad on this one. And when I say the qaulity is bad, I mean it's pretty tricky to read the writing... Oh, and the ad sucks. For those of you squinting, let me save you the effort. Alarming close to that womans left breast is the phrase "I bet you didn't notice the Tyrannasaurus Rex."

No, no you're right, I didn't because it was in a dark corner, barely visible in natural light. What's your point Mr. Advertiser? oh, oh I see, you're suggesting her boobs are so perky thanks to fayreform bras that I won't notice a tiny plastic dinosaur taking up 5% of the whole article.

Well, hate to break it to you but I did notice the dinosaur. You know why? Becuase you mentioned it was there, and immediately to me it became a game of Where's Waldo. Who gives a crap about her ultra-perky boobs when there's a dinosaur for me to find?

Really, I think this ad is pretty obvious (in other words I'm too tired to point out all the issues) Half naked woman wearing alarming stilhettos as she sits on a gold plated OH SHIT LADY LOOK OUT THERE'S A T-REX BY YOUR ANKLE. OH MY GOD. OH FUCK, SOMEONE HELP HER. JESUS CHRIST!

Whew, scared me there for a moment, it's just a toy. I'm sorry but to me this ad seems to go against the grain a bit. You bet we didn't notice the T-Rex, but we are now, and I've got to say, it could definately use a fayreform bra because it is flaaaaat.
Not only have they stuck a half nude model into an ad with a T-Rex, but look what she's surrounded by. Mirror, red satin curtains, zebra skin rug... Wait, zebras AND dinosaurs? Jesus, which palientologist are you using?

Okay, so just in case you haven't gotten my point by now... the dinosaur is a distraction. Of course in this case it's not a bad destraction because really, no one in their right mind would ( I hope) want to stare at a womans bountiful breasts while there is a dianosaur to be found. Thank you fayreform, for once you've given us an ad that works completely against you.

PS: This would have been a much better way to do the ad:

#5: Post-it Notes "Finally, something I use that I can not use."

Well, we all knew it would come down to this eventually people. After dealing with D&G, Mastercard, banks, Axe the time has come to deal with a product that I personally use all the time.

Yes, Post-it notes. You stick them on your monitor, you write your grocery list on them. You stick them on the bathroom mirror so your partner wakes up and finds some cutesy little whatever waiting for them. *gag*

And yes, Post-it notes are on the list. Why? It's very simple. Not only does these piece of advertising suggest that men are insensitive jerks (guys be amazed, I'm defending you here) who are totally incapable of remembering the name of the girl they just slept with, and it's (once again) generally degrading to women, to suggest that they aren't important enough to require the memorizing of their name. No, no, why use up that precious brain capacity for things like names when you have Post-it notes?

Just out of curiosity, people who make Post-its: Have you ever used your own product before? Maybe tried sticking it to the forehead of your significant other before you drift off to sleep one night? Yeah, it's not going to be there in the morning. I hate to take this literally but when it comes right down to it, the product isnt that fantastic and the advertising is painfully straight forward.

Now, I may not be the nicest girl in the world. I'm bitter and cynical and yeah, I'm a feminist when it comes right down to it, but come on, give the male gender a little credit! As absent minded as they can be (in regards to things that the female gender may recall ((it works vice versa so don't think I'm attacking men)) they don't need Post-it notes that badly. What this ad is suggesting, when you get right down to it, is that relationships in this day and age have degraded into a state of total indifference, when you don't need 'together time' to get to know your partner. The relationship has broken down into a purely physical meeting and requires no emotional investment or time. After all, why waste a few precious minutes finding out she was named after Jane Bennett from Pride and Prejudice, or her favorite flower is a lily, or that she has a fear of grasshoppers? Personal information is useless, just slap a Post-it note on it and you'll never have to go through the awkward "Do you know what day it is?" schpeel.

Products like Post-it notes are out there to make your life easier, at least that's what they want you to believe. However we have to consider that perhaps in an effort to make life simpler, we're giving up on morals, and the power of relationships. Post-it would have you believe that it's too late for that now, we are in a new age after all. But I've got to say, it's never too late to ask her what she's afraid of and put some effort into memorizing it.

RBC: "What they don't tell you is that little Suzy is their leverage"

i can only imagine moving from one country to a new one (and being able to speak the language fluently) is most challenging. why, I recently moved to a new province, got a job, and just today, had my first 'new bank experience.'

Let me sum it up for you:

Me: I'd like to start an account so you can keep my money safe for me while I got to school.

Them: Do you have ID?

Me: I have these *Ids spill from pockets, except the important and ever fabled drivers license*

Them: You need a drivers license or something with picture ID.

Me: I have these four school IDs from High School and middle school.

Them: No, those won't work.

Me: But-

Them: Do you have your Alberta Health Insurance Card?

Me: No, I just moved here. I have my Alberta Childrens Hospital Card.

Them: No, that won't work.

Me: But that card got me through four surgeries. YOU'RE not correcting my spine, are you?

Them: It has to be a Health Insurance Card.

Me: But... but surgery! It.. what... I hate you.

Them: And you're not going to school?

Me: No, I'm trying to SAVE for school.

Them: A school ID would work too.

Me: But I just told you I had-

Them: From a university or college.

Me: So my last 12 years of education meant nothing to you, is that what you're telling me?

Them: So, social insurance card, health insurance card, student ID, drivers license.

Me: Would this be going any more smoothly if I told you I was from Istanbul or Uzbekistan.

Them: So we'll see you Friday!

Me: you're giving me 48 hours to get a piece of Government ID?

Them: Your appointment is with Adele.

Me: Where's the Black Market around here?

Them: Just bring in your ID...

Me: *walks away*

That was fun, really it was. I'm so GLAD the nice couple immigrating to Canada had such an easy time setting up a new bank account. Meanwhile, I couldn't pay these people to take my money (irony) without the proper ID. Because, you know, I've only been Me for the last eighteen years of my life.

I could have picked any commerical in particular to use, in the end it would be the same thing. Banks give you the happy, doe-eyed experience on TV, but when you get in there to give them money, god help you if you don't follow protocol.

When you get right down to it, this is a matter of false advertising. You're leading me to believe that I will be welcomed into the family, lovingly taken care of while my every need is seen to. Hell, I can even start an RRSP and start saving for my retirement NOW.

But as long as I can drive.

Or prove I am who I say I am.

Because one Children's hospital card, one BC health insurance card, four school ids, one social insurance card, and one birth certificate don't count. You know, I might have forged them or something.

You can't exactly protest banks, they are, unfortunately important to our lifestyles so instead of not using them, I'm simply going to avoid them at all cost. And you know what else I'm going to do? I'm not going to spend any money on crappy products that I don't like so my money will slowly add up over the years, and slowly but surely I'll get more and more interest, and then one day BAM, I'll go to the nearest branch and take out every last penny I ever invested in your feckless corporation and hide it under my mattress.

And you know what else? I bet it'll be a lot safer there.

Criminal #3- Dolce & Gabbana "With that well-oiled body, it's a wonder he can even touch her"

Now who wants to tell me what's wrong with this picture? I mean, apart from the fact that those guys look like Butterball turkeys (You're next., Christco!), and she's wearing stilettos that would make the Rockets cringe, and she's apparently drowned despite the fact that she isn't wet at all and her makeup is (what the advertisement world would consider) perfect, and that water you see in the background is probably half an inch deep max, and for someone drowning her back is awfully arched, oh, and of course the fact that she's probably going to be gang-raped the minute she shows any sign of life (of course I could be wrong, maybe signs of life don't matter to Butterball turkeys!)

Dolce & Gabbana, *sigh* I couldn't afford you then, I really don't want you now. Now, maybe I'm being a bit unfair, oh wait, no I'm not. Interesting piece of trivia, this specific piece of advertisement was declared illegal by Spain's Labours and Social Affairs ministry, stating that it was humiliating to women (you think?) and her position had nothing to do with the product.

Okay, thank you Spain's Labours and Social Affairs Ministry, but to be fair to D&G, what advertising for a major, high class, whatever-crap, clothing line has ever had anything to do with the product being sold? I'm not going to say none whatsoever, because you know that tomorrow I'll find something to dispute it.

Of course, that in no way justifies this piece of social bullshit. What the hell? Seriously. I'd like to know just what the creators of this ad were thinking? "Oh, let's give the suggestion that maybe she was drowning and the hot, abnormally greasy man was saving her when in reality the image we're trying to convey is that of an abnormally thing (but not greasy) woman about to get gang-raped." Because, if that was what they were trying to accomplish, they did it. Congratulations?

What's even more astonishing is that D&G actually criticized Spain for their complaints, calling them "...behind the times..." I'm sorry, as none-judgemental as I am, as openly as I have been raised, I don't think this is art. I'm disgusted that it counts as advertising. D&G obviously have very, um, unique? ideas of what makes something art. Yes, a cunningly placed nude can be art, a tree with a bush beside it can be art. A woman being pinned down by a greasy man while other equally greasy men look on? No, that's not art. That's actually (and here's the big shocker) what we in the human race call, every womans nightmare. There is nothing, nothing artistic about this piece of advertisement. There's nothing appropriate about it, nothing artistic, nothing that can justify that.

You know what I love most about this disturbing piece of advertisement? The guy on the far right is holding a glass of water... WHY? I don't understand? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? For the life of me, I will never understand how people, how these major organizations that (for whatever reason) continue to be so pivotal in their respective areas. (Notes, not 'respected' area) So, D&G, you're on the list. More than that, so help me god if I ever see another advertisement like that I will write you such a scathing letter, it'll make my grade 11 letter to Coca-Cola look like a Cole Notes version of 'Pride and Prejudice'... Which, incidentally, is way ahead of the times.