Criminals #19, 20, 21 "I'm talking Hitler eating a pony and brushing his teeth with a kitten evil"

This one goes out to all you kids who go partying. Here's me, encouraging you to try something else because the following beers are now on notice (once again, sorry Stephen T. Colbert)

Coors Light:

I'm sorry, since when has being a total scumbag been attractive? you do realize that if either of the sisters found out you were dating both of them you would incur the wrath of TWO females. And trust me, the bond of sisterhood is a hell of a lot stronger than your pipes.

Bud Light:

It's a sad, sad day when fun can only be obtained by drinking. You know how me and my friends have fun? It's starts with a little line that goes something like this: "Did I tell you my friend Tom has Ebola?"

I digress. Not only does this ad suggest booze is needed for fun, look at the ages of the four (and a half) people, they can't be any older than probably 25. So Bud is pandering to what they believe must be the lowest common denominator, after all, all of us under 25 are too thick to realize we're being manipulated...Or are we?

Molson Canadian (Light and normal):



This is just disgusting. Did you know a total of 981 people died in drunk driving related crashes in 2000 (in Canada) source: http://www.safety-council.org/info/traffic/impaired/stats.html
It's bad enough that the company is mixing the subconscious idea of drinking with the in-your-face idea of death, MADD was probably having a field day. To me there are some things that just shouldn't mix, ideas that just shouldn't be put together in an effort to promote...whatever. Drinking and death are two of those things.
You know when else there's plenty of time to sleep? Between 10 pm and 7 am. Awesome.

Images courtesy of http://www.apolnet.ca/arapo/galleries/sample-q.html The three were only among a few images of alcohol related ads that appeared in the Ontario region and violated the Liquor Advertising Guidelines, also something worth taking a look at.

It's not that I have an issue with drinking (friends will tell you I don't do it often, which is true, but not because I'm against it) What I have an issue with is the glorification of something that can have such terrible results. Ignore the health problems like liver failure and look at it on a personal level; binges that leave you isolated from your family, or worse, injuring them, all because you can't control yourself. Anything in moderation is fine, but the fact is as a society we're too idiotic to realize the mistakes we're making until it's too late. Until we can control ourselves and our habits, 'engaging' ads like those need to be reevaluated and possibly even removed from the public. It sucks that we're so easily brainwashed, but what can you do apart from becoming more aware?

Criminal #18 Absolut Vodka "Daddy loves you very much, NOW SHUT UP"

I had this big plan to do a tribute to the nerds in advertising buuuut as it turns out I couldn't find any that weren't degrading. I guess the idea of "sexy" and "hot" created by the media is now the only sort of man available. Instead I stumbled on this beauty, and hey! We don't focus on the food industry nearly enough so take a look at this:

Classy, to say the least. Let's forget for a moment that alcoholism is a big problem in North America, heck, let's ignore the whole issue of drunk driving. Let's focus on what this image is saying to us:

Family + Vodka = good times for all! Never in all my years would I associate a happy family with vodka, any liquor for that matter. Absolut Welcome? Sure, as long as you bring booze, because if this family isn't boozed up for the holiday season they become impossible to deal with. When did 'family' get so hard that we had to start drinking to deal with it? More importantly, when did it become acceptable to use the concept of 'family' to sell vodka? It's like using children in an ad for erotic toys. They don't mix, they shouldn't mix, and if they ever do, people should be up in arms about it.

More than anything I think it's disgusting that we just sort of shrug this sort of thing off. Now, I'm not the sort of person that get's riled up about 'The state of today's family system.' Sure, family is great, as long as they're sane and love each other. I don't think it should matter who is in the family, or who makes up the family, as long as they're happy. However, I will not deny that there certainly is a problem these days, divorce rates are high, and it seems like the only way parents feel they can get their kids through it is with drugs or therapy. Whatever happened to family meetings? To sitting down and discussing the issues at hand? Well I guess "daddy's having an affair" doesn't exactly spark a happy family, especially when mom is drowning her sorrows in Absolut and the kids are too drugged up to notice.

Stick to sex, Absolut. You've got no place in a family.

Criminal #17 Mac "No this isn't personal. It's more like...ah hell, it's personal"

So I thought about today's post being a tribute to all the nerdy guys used in ads buuuuuut I couldn't find any (wait for tomorrows update to learn more) and instead I went searching for one of those "Get a Mac" ads I had seen long ago where, unbeknownst to the Mac consumers, Apple basically calls their supporters dumb.

Now I'll admit, I didn't hop on the Mac/Apple bandwagon, mostly because I got sick of my brother trying to convince me that his Mac was quite simply the greatest creation since sliced bread. I'm all for having an OS that works for you, but like your religion, or your politics, don't try to force it on me. Hearing day after day how fantastic your Mac is doesn't make me want to buy one. It makes me want to break your jaw, snap your Mac over my knee and then ram its circuit board down your gullet until you're excreting bits of ram in your pants. My favorite moment during our Mac VS PC battle (and believe me, there were many battles) came when I was burning a cd onto my writing computer Gracie. The only thing that makes her remotely unique is that she isn't actually connected to the internet, so burning with windows media player means that I have to manually put in all the artist info myself instead of letting the internet do it. So the brother unit comes into my room, essentially points and laughs and says "If you had a Mac, you wouldn't have to do that." "No" I reply, "I would, because Gracie isn't connected to the internet. Did you think a bunch of intelligent pixies live inside your computer and constantly update your cd info when you don't have a wifi connection?" I didn't actually say that but he got my point. He also didn't believe that I could get artist info like he could on his itunes. I'm not sure WHY he thought I couldn't get it, but news flash: I can.

Anyways, back to my point. You might miss it, and again it is more of a nit-picky detail, but Apple has essentially just called its consumers "simple" (as well as intuitive, but I don't think your Mac is going to be able to give you a heads up when you have to go to the bathroom anymore than a PC so there goes that arguement." Since when has it been a compliment to be called simple? The human brain is a miracle if ever one existed, synapses, electrons buzzing around, all that grey matter that is so particular that the slightest injury can alterate for the rest of a persons life. What's simple about that? Oh sure, I'll just run out to the brain store and buy a new one, after all, my brain is exactly like the brain of that homeless guy down the street with the leaky eye... oh wait, no it isn't. That's right I'm a unique person and my brain is completely uniqie to me (unless I have an identical twin floating around that no one told me about).

The problem isn't that Apple used the term 'simple' to describe its consumers; it's the fact that they got away with it and no one seemed to notice. Everyone says "oh yeah, it's cute. Jon from the Daily Show is awesome lolz." Are we really so blind that we can be insulted every day by the very corporations that are running our lives? They get away with tasteless (and may I add over-down) crap like this because we're a passive community, we've absolutely given up.

Screw you "Get a Mac" I want that stoned Ellen chick back.

Criminal #16: Colgate "For those of you with no teeth, please disregard."

It's been a while, but I'm back and as bitchy as ever (not in the stereotypical female is bitchy oo what a suprise sort of way.)







So it turns out all you have to do is type in "Bad Advertising" into google and you find a goldmine. Some of them inappropriate because of sexuality, some of it bad for the type of humor used. Today's is a latter; lets keep in mind that the point of this blog, this social experiment if you will, is to be stubborn, picky, petty even. The points don't have to be good, they don't even have to make sense. The ads should just irk you.





Without further ado I give you...


Nondecript Elderly Indian Person With No Teeth

What... the hell Colgate? Seriously, is there anything more insulting to a human being? That's like buying a blind person a Picasso, or giving a deaf man a lost Led Zeppelin recording. There are some things that just aren't appropriate. I'm sure Colgate just thought it was pithy, that the irony was going to be great.

You want some irony Colgate? What good is toothpaste when there's no food to eat?

Criminal #15: Energizer "Viagra also makes it keep going and going..."

Every so often you run into one of those commercials that makes you go "Naah?" and then shift awkwardly in your seat. It's a bit like being a teenage boy and watching Juno with your mum, or so I'm led to believe from several teenage boy sources. This would be one of those ads, for me at least, mostly for the subtle suggestive ideas that arise when you really think about it.

So let's look at it shall we? (clicky clicky for a bigger piccy) So we've got to very bored little uns' a girl and a boy, observe the boys penis. A new fascination to be sure, and I'm sure tiny, probably about the size of an energizer battery.

You see the first issue I have isn't that it's two kids looking at the penis, it's the fact that this ad makes me think about just what they're thinking about. Dirty, dirty pictures in my head. Sexuality and youth are (I'd say) the two strongest weapons advertisers have on their size, and this certainly isn't the first time they've been mixed together. A few Johnson & Johnson baby ads come to mind that I'll have to hunt down later.

Next, to the more subtle elements. Okay, actually, only one. Wait no, two, but I already mentioned the battery in comparison to penis size so that ones out. Look in the top left hand corner where Energizer has slapped their name and cute little catch phrase. "Never let their toys die" Yeah, and we all know what you mean by toys, right? Some may think that's the paranoia speaking but I guarantee you that is exactly the reference these advertisers were trying to make. Don't believe me? What little toy do you see in the boy? A wand, right? One of those little light-up jobbies that you can wave around and be amused by. Why a wand? Why not a Rubix cube? A Transformer? A Gameboy? A set of blocks that can be used to teach your child letters? Hell, a teddy bear would have been just as good, oh right, but that doesn't use batteries.

Let me give you a mathematical equation to chew on

Batteries = Viagra for kids.

Energizer, I have no pithy phrase to tell you I think you're scum and whatnot. So, yeah, not going and going anymore are you? Yeah, take that.

Criminal #14: PUMA "That's...not hummas on your leg, is it?"

I've got to give props to Je at FFWA for putting it in her sig, or else I probably would have never run across it.

Yeah... This one is pretty self explanatory, isn't it?

EDIT: Self explanatory and yet, I just have to point a few things out. I get in the fashion world, somehow dressing like the traditional school girl is getting more and more... I don't know, popular? But let's take a step back for a moment an examine this for what it is. Obvious ad taking the 'sex sells' idea too far, but then with closer examination they bring up some bigger points.

Underaged sex. Might just be me but the fishnets and the tartan skirt really scream out "Look at me, I'm a middle schooler in 2008!" Could be because I just graduated last year and with the middle school across the street I got to see the kinds of clothes kids wore every day. I also got to see how it got less and less, every day. They've put a grown up idea on a youthful model. Are they secretly trying to promote underaged sex? I'm not a prude but I do believe it is a special thing that needs to be taken seriously with the proper steps and precautions. That being said, preeeeetty sure her giving him head was a spur of the moment thing, considering it looks like they're stationed in a dark alley somewhere.

Good job, PUMA! You're disgusting!

Criminal #13: Stouffer's Skillet Sensations

It's been ages baby, but I'm back and I'm just as infuriated as ever. What now, you ask? What could have possibly pissed me off now? Well, the hard truth of the matter is this: I work in a mall, worse than that, I have a job that involves the two main industries responsible for stereotypes as we know them (hello movies and music). As much as I'd like my first post after a long hiatus to be a huge rip into the company I work for, I think that would be a bad idea so I'll just say this: The amount of things I'm seeing on a daily basis that piss me off are phenomenal. The list is getting longer by the day.

Today's criminal is one that I happened to see numerous times the other day while I was home with the flu. Stouffer's Skillet Sensations. What's wrong with a fast, easy, and healthy meal you ask? I'm sure the meal is fine, it's the latest advertising ploy that's making me sick.

The Hunt for the Sensational Husband Challenge

Okay, sure, I'm all for trying to hunt sensational husbands down, get them to stop hiding and whatnot, but I think, I think they may have gone about it the wrong way. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip of the commercial so bare with me. Essentially the commerical is suggesting that A) Husbands never cook and/or need to be persuaded into doing it B) Cooking dinner once makes you a sensational husband and C) Men are too dumb to handle anything that isn't prepackaged and ready to be tossed in a pan. (See guys, I'm standing up for you here!)

Visit the site http://www.skilletsensations.ca/en/men/ to take a look at the contest. It's very straight forward, every six weeks Stouffer's will send a postcard to your home, inviting the man of the house to make dinner (right after he finishes his ice cold martini and you get his slippers for him). Bla, bla, bla, you win prizes, yadda, yadda, trip for two to Australia. Sure, it sounds appealing, but what are the undertones of the commerical saying?

Cooking is a womans job normally. Men need things prepackaged. Women and men alike should be amazed and consider him to be sensational for doing a task that really ought to be shared in the house anyways.

Sorry, we fought for equal rights for how many years and people still believe a womans place is in the kitchen? I don't think so. And what about single fathers, do they order out every night or do their children just starve or is it even remotely possible that they *gasp* have cooking skills and are capable of feeding their children every night?

It's a subtle commentary on our society today. No matter how modern we consider ourselves, commercials like this keep pulling us back with the simplest suggestions. Here's a challenge for you, Stouffer's: Visit a real home where both parents are working nine to five monday through friday. Visit a real home where man and wife (wife and wife, man and man, wherever you live, whoever you love I dont care) work together as a team to take care of their children and put food on the table every night. I hope I find one of these commericals to post because it basically explains itself.

Stouffer's, you're on the list.