Criminal #26- RBC Royal Bank of Canada "Where's my money, mother f*ckers?"

I'm sure some of you remember my lovely rant about Banks last year when I first began working at HMV and tried to get a new account with BMO. That was one of my finer moments, I have to say -- oh well shit, they just called me back and they were very cordial... but that doesn't change a damn thing! *angry face*.

So here's how it went down. Me, started new job at La Senza (yes, I'm aware of the irony of me working at a lingerie store.) Me, get blank check from bank for direct deposit. Bank, give check. Me work like a bunny, get first pay stub. Me, going to awesome concert tomorrow, having lost bank card, go to bank today to get new card so I can buy hot clothes for concert.

Me, have no money.

Me: WTF? I got paid last week, I only spent $15 bucks out of the check! Wth?! Nice bank associate, tells me to stop weeping, shows me bank account history. Me, thank god, no one has stolen money from account, I just didn't get paid.

Wait, what?

Me, gets angry, goes to work, politely points out issue to nice boss. Nice Boss, examines new papers and old papers and discovers... Dun dun duuuuun, the bank gave me the wrong transit number, so currently someone on the east coast has my money. I have to go back in tomorrow to get the cash back (yaaaaay) but thanks to weekend banking I won't have the money officially until Monday, which is two days too late for me to buy cds at the Hawksley Workman concert.

Thanks a lot Royal Bank. I appreciate you getting back to me so quickly but I think maybe someone needs to work on the system a little bit more. That's my mini rant for now, I've got some stuff I'll post later tonight.

Also, I totally found my old bank card the minute I got home, go me.

Criminal #25 Always "Have a happy shut the hell up"

Much like the post-its, this is one that I can actually use, or not use as the case may be. Any girl out there will tell you that Always is the brand of choice when it comes to 'sanitary pads' for that special time of month. They are, incidently, also a Procter & Gamble product (beginning to see a trend here...)

And the chances are if you're a girl and you have email or access to the internet you've received the following forward:

From: "Doris ____" <*******@hotmail.com>To: Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2007
23:21:15 +0000Subject: ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR AND GAMBLEACTUAL LETTER TO
PROCTOR AND GAMBLE This is a letter written to one of the top executives at
Proctor and Gamble. Means a bit more to the gals than the guys.Dear Mr.
Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a
menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time
for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The
point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with
homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my
letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period"."Are
you f…..g kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so
you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your
head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
"Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just
picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to
take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep... Always.Best,Wendy ____ Austin TX

Thank you, Wendy, wherever you are. Everytime I get that forward it makes me smile. So I guess my issue with this one is obvious. Have a happy period? A happy period? Ummm kay, no. If by happy you mean curl into a ball and cry on the couch with half a dozen heating pads and a bottle of ibeuprofan then... yes, I will have a happy period, thank you. See, now if P&G was making some kind of ibeuprofan-period related product that magically makes your cramps vanish, then yes, I'd say go right ahead and tell us to have happy periods. Seeing as how they're making sticky pads that absorb our life fluids the happiness is null and void.

Oh but wait, I have more. Guess what P&G has had issues with in the past? Go on, it's period related. If you thought Toxic Shock Syndrome, you'd be right. We all remember those grade nine health class lectures (by our art teacher of all people) who warned you never to keep the tampon in for more than two hours because of Toxic Shock Syndrome, that permenently put me off of using the product (which is why no longer buying Always is going to prove to be interesting.)

For those of you unaware, here's some background on TSS (straight from the CDC website)

Clinical Features
Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) is characterized by sudden onset of fever, chills, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle aches and rash. It can rapidly progress to severe and intractable hypotension and multisystem dysfunction. Desquamation, particularly on the palms and soles can occur 1-2 weeks after onset of the illness.
Etiologic Agent
Usually exotoxin producing strains of Staphylococcus aureus, a bacterium.
Incidence
In the United States, annual incidence is 1-2/100,000 women 15-44 years of age (last active surveillance done in 1987).
Sequelae
5% of all cases are fatal.
Transmission
S. aureus commonly colonizes skin and mucous membranes in humans. TSS has been associated with use of tampons and intravaginal contraceptive devices in women and occurs as a complication of skin abscesses or surgery.
Risk Groups
Menstruating women, women using barrier contraceptive devices, persons who have undergone nasal surgery, and persons with postoperative staphylococcal wound
infections.
Surveillance
National surveillance is conducted through the National ElectronicTelecommunications System for Surveillance (NETSS). The last active surveillance was in 1987 in four states with a total population of 12 million.
Challenges
To describe the current epidemiology of TSS in the United States by conducting
active surveillance. To better define the risk factors of nonmenstrual TSS to
design prevention strategies.

And now, from Wiki's article on P&G controversies:

Toxic shock syndrome and tampons
Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) is a disease caused by strains of the bacteria Staphylococcus aureus. Most people have these bacteria living in their bodies as harmless commensals in places such as the nose, skin, and vagina. The disease can strike anyone, not only women, but the disease is often associated with tampons. In 1980, 814 menstrual-related TSS cases were reported; 38 deaths resulted from the disease. The majority of women in these cases were documented as using super-absorbent synthetic tampons, particularly the Rely tampon created by Procter and Gamble.[20] The Rely tampon was so super-absorbent that one by itself could in fact hold one woman's entire menstrual period. Unlike other tampons made of cotton and rayon, Rely used carboxymethylcellulose and compressed beads of polyester for absorption. The materials used in Rely were causing an increase in the thickness of fluid inside the vagina, resulting in more toxins being released.
The slogan Procter and Gamble used for the product was "Rely. It even absorbs the worry."
In the summer of 1980 the Centers for Disease Control released a report explaining how these bacterial mechanisms were leading to TSS. They also stated that the Rely tampon was associated with TSS more than any other brand of tampon. In September 1980, Procter and Gamble voluntarily recalled its Rely brand of tampons from the market and agreed to provide for a program to notify consumers. Since the 1980s, reported cases of TSS have dramatically decreased[21].

I think the last line is my favorite. Way to go, P&G, maybe you should just... I don't know, stop making things? Like... anything at all.

So next time someone tells you to have a 'Happy Period' tell them this, "Thanks, I will, right after I either succomb to toxic shock syndrome or kick your ass."

Criminal #24 CoverGirl "Easy, Breezy, Not Hot Enough, CoverGirl"

First a bit of history, CoverGirl is a cosmetic line owned by Procter & Gamble (who you're going to be seeing a lot of on this blog over the next little while.) The main competition to CoverGirl is generally considered to be Maybelline, which is owned by the L'Oreal folks (A brief overview of my makeup kit confirms I have no CoverGirl junk, thank god.)

Let's start with the commercial. Let me say right off the bat, I love Ellen Degeneres. Everyone in the world should feel comfortable enough to dance, dance, dance away without being shy and she does it every day on her show. Mad Props. I was going to use the new commercial she's done for the CoverGirl Simply Ageless makeup as my main point but then I wiki'd CoverGirl and clicked some links and learned some interesting stuff. This is not to bash Ellen in any way, this is a CoverGirl issue, not an Ellen issue. It just so happens she's the one reading the script.

"Inner beauty is important, but not nearly as important as outer beauty."

Wait-whu?

Don't get your knickers in a twist, kids. I'm trained in the art of sarcasm. Unfortunately this didn't really come off in such a way that I thought "Oh hey, Ellen's being funny! She really means outer beauty isn't important at all!" Which, you know, would explain why she's doing a makeup commercial.

It seems to me that CoverGirl is behind on the times. Someone should let them know that Anti-Aging isn't the 'in' thing anymore. Ageism is so huge in our society, god forbid we go through the natural course of life and enjoy it! No, no, we can't show laugh lines, wrinkles, crows feet, whatever you want to call them, because that means we're old. God forbid we get old and.. gasp! eventually die.

But okay, maybe this was just a poor choice on Ellen's part. Maybe CoverGirl is like an ostrich and had it's head in the sand since 2004, thus explaining why they haven't heard of Dove's very popular "Campaign for Real Beauty" and "Pro-Age" products. Personally, I'm a huge supporter of Dove. Not only is their soap a great facial cleanser (believe it or not, it's recommended quite often by doctors) but they seem to be the first cosmetic/beauty related corporation to have realized that "Hey, maybe all these ads are promoting negative views of women. Maybe we need to be rethinking how we sell ourselves." Bravo, Dove, for taking the first step, and shame on you CoverGirl, for not realizing that people don't want to STOP aging, they just want to age properly (which they can do by using the fine products by Dove. How d'you like them product placements?)

So there's my issue with the commercial itself. Time to do a bit of backtracking on CoverGirl. As I stated before, it is an offshoot off Procter & Gamble, who make such fine products as Always, Duracell, TAG, Pampers, Gillette, Bounty and much, much more. I'm torn here whether I could just put Procter & Gamble on the list (see below for my reasons why) or stick with CoverGirl. I think for now I'll stick with just the cosmetics, but I'm going to be paying closer attention to the commercials of the other P&G products. Always is treading a thin line as it is.

Anyways, back to my point. CoverGirl is a sponsor of America's Next Top Anorexic Paperdoll, sorry, I meant Top Model. My bad.

"But Kathleen," you say, "Don't you just have issues with the modelling industry? Aren't you being picky again? Isn't this just a personal vendetta?"

Once more I will remind you, angry readers, that the point of this blog is to be picky. However, I will acknowledge the point. So let's ignore the sponsorship of a wholly unhealthy show that twists the reality surrounding 'real beauty' and examine a few P&G scandals.

For the sake of simplicity, I'm leaving out the P&G Satanic Symbol issue, check out the Wiki article on it for further details. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Procter_%26_Gamble#Logo_controversy)

In 2006, PERI (Political Economy Research Institute) released The Toxic 100, a list of the top 100 most toxic corporations according to their Toxic Scores taken in 2002. P&G is there at number 52 (http://www.peri.umass.edu/Toxic-100-Table.265.0.html). Now someone clarify, why would anyone wanting to defy the laws of nature and age backwards or whatever, want to support a corporation that contributes to the current woes of the planet and thus the health of millions or people, thereby effecting the health of peoples skin? Yes, it might be a bit of a long connection, not exactly six small steps, but it's worth questioning isn't it? If we as a society are so concerned about not aging, why support a corporation whose actions will effectively make us look weathered beyond our years?

Up next, animal testing. Feel free to boo and hiss at this point. Now I, for one, have never understood the concept of animal testing. Yes, they test on animals to ensure it is safe for humans, but last time I checked I wasn't a fuzzy bunny, and the time before that I checked, my neighbours rabbit wasn't putting on a layer of eyeshadow and some lipstick for a night on the town. Psst, P&G, I don't know if you've noticed but... humans and animals have slightly different genes. I know what you're thinking, "If we don't test on animals, how will we know it's safe for humans?" How about we test on humans? No? That doesn't float your boat? Then why the hell is it all right for us to test on animals? What gives anyone the right to produce something, be it makeup or perfume, whatever, and test it on animals? Stand behind your product. You think it's safe? Then test it on yourself? No one, absolutely no one, has the right to shove off a product onto some creature; why ask someone or something to make a sacrifice that you yourself are not willing to make? Further more, cutting out the step of testing on animals and instead testing on humans means getting results that the scientists behind the products can actually use immediately. It's like cutting out the middleman on some sort of shady deal.

By cutting out the animal testing and reverting to testing on people a team of scientists would see results they could apply. They'd understand the effect their product would have on people immediately. It would save them from testing on a rabbit, thinking "oh hey the rabbit isn't dying, it must be safe." mass producing only to realize it gives people a rash and forcing a major recall. Production would go faster, allowing for the amount of production time to be cut back. Hey, P&G, I just solved that nasty Toxic problem you have.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some PETA fanatic, but I can see where they come from on the issues of some animal testing. There's a difference between testing something important (life altering drugs) and something pointless (CoverGirl). The problem is PETA considers the matter to be black and white, you're either for animal testing or against it.

For more on P&G's animal testing click http://www.pandgkills.com/main.html

So I guess my big point with all this P&G stuff is that we as a society don't really realize who we're supporting. I had no idea CoverGirl was a P&G offshoot until I decided to do this post, nor did I realize Always (my brand of choice up till now) was one of their products or anything else I listed. Here we are supporting corporations left, right, and center. Of course we can't help it, we have to buy certain things to survive, but with a bit of extra research we can delve into who we're buying from and we might just find not everything is as peachy keen as we like to believe. Supporting this corporation or that doesn't define who you are, nonetheless who you choose to support can have a huge impact on your life. You may just find that the more you support someone life P&G, the more worse off the planet gets. And trust me, in a few years you're concerns won't be whether you're age-defying or what have you. You'll be glad you lived long enough to age at all.

Criminal #23 Twilight "Hey Stephenie Meyer, is your fridge running? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO CATCH IT!"

(This goes out to all my friends at http://www.twilightsucks.com/

So I'll admit, this is a personal bias. I hate Twilight, almost as much as I hate Clive Cussler (and boy do I hate Cussler.) I'm not sure what it is about it... Oh wait, yes I do. Sexism, questionable morals, crude writing, mary sues, purple prose and what's this? Oh yeah! A sparkling fucking vampire. What. The. Fuck?

However, seeing as I didn't want to use this "experiment" as a personal weapon, I ignored it. (Incidently I have not bought post-its in over a year and a half!) However, a recent post at Twilightsucks caught my attention. (Thank you thoughtbubble for posting it.)

The topic was brought up regarding the Twilightmoms forums. Now, I'm all for free speech, do whatever you want, what do I care? As long as no one is hurt in the process we're cool. But the information posted on the "About" page changed everything.
And I quote:

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE whose life turned upside down when you read
Twilight? Is your house a disaster with piles of piles of laundry in every
corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights? Have you imagined
your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of newlywed
again? Do you convince yourself that "cold cereal" makes a perfectly wholesome
dinner? Is the pizza delivery boy now on your Christmas card list? Are your
children free to run a muck as long as no one comes too you bleeding . . .(too
badly)? Oh, you feel guilty, but that's not enough! You still can't tear
yourself away from the book and damned be the consequences! The good new is- YOU
ARE NOT ALONE! Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you're
a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational
obsession with vampires and werewolves. We have a place where "our kind" can
relate without having to wade through all the teenage Internet code mumbo jumbo
like "OMG!!! IMHO Edward is sooo Hawt!!!" (usually a dead giveaway that you
should be doing your social studies homework for 3rd period instead of playing
on the computer.) FYI, it was a group of 14/15 year olds that "changed" me.
However, OUR world of balancing family, work, home, marriage AND...our Twilight
obsession is unique, fun, and oh, so very humorous. The personal stories and
experiences I've heard and read from women all over the world are a blast. YOU
LADIES ROCK!!! ...and "Twilight Moms" is dedicated to YOU!!! Enjoy this little
corner of the Internet that is just for us. Explore the web site, keep up with breaking news
and join the forum.

End quote

Okay, where to begin? First off, let's revisit what I have been trying to get through the thick skulls of the internet for some time now.

MOM'S. You are NOT, I repeat, NOT defined by your house keeping skills. You are half of a relationship (for the most part, I'm aware there are single moms and dads out there, mad props to you folk because I come from a single parent household myself.) It is not your sole responsibility to ensure the house is kept up, laundry gets done, food is on the table, and so on and so forth. Believe it or not, your partner has some degree of responsibility too! So NO, Twilight is NOT an excuse for your children running amuck or whatever, that's shoddy parenting through and through.

Now maybe if you were reading something thrilling like say, a Gregg Hurwitz novel, or something by Tess Gerritsen, I could understand but for the love of god has anyone actually READ Twilight and dissected it? (Okay, I haven't read it completely, but I've read enough...) It's like candy for your brain! A gripping tale of forbidden love between a girl and some guy who sparkles a shit load is not exciting literature!

And don't get me started on the attitude of Stephenie Meyer who is apparently convinced that she is the Queen of the Vampires and can do no wrong. Being a writer means accepting critique for what it is, a helpful way to get YOU to improve your work which could possibly, in theory, not be half bad if you worked on it and listened to what your critics are saying! But no, it's like she clamps hands over her ears and goes "LALALALA I can heeeeaaaar you!"

I wonder if she heard the recent criticism Stephen King had to say about her? Or is the internet censored for her to protect her fragile ego?

I'm sorry but something just isn't adding up about Twilightmoms. Of course I can't judge them, because I would have to judge myself first (I'm very opinionated, oops!) But someone, for the love of god, someone has got to get through to these, I'm sure, very intelligent women that being a mom is not about staying home and being barefoot and preggers in the kitchen! Mom's can work too, so where's the Twilightdad forum? Oh right, they're busy sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching the game. I mean, they must be right? They are if the world is one giant stereotype.

PS: Meyer. Vampires do not sparkle, Wuthering Heights is better than your crap, Bella is irritating as all fuck, and the world does not revolve around your very swollen head.

Here are some SMeyer quotes to tickle your fancy:

"I never write messages. I always write things that entertain me."

(Not surprising, that says a lot about what entertains you.)

"WHAT IF... What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance,
not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The
real deal. Your other half, your true soul's match. What happens if he
leaves?The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne
Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O'Hara and Anne
Shirley all had their ways of coping.I had to answer the question for Bella.
What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but
Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead,
Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure
evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was
much more of a Jacob than an Edward). So what happens when True Love in the form
of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?"

(And what gives her the right to question those other "true loves" when her male protagonist is a stalker and possessive?)

"But I can't read other people's vampires. If it's too close [to my writing], I
get upset; if it's too far away, I get upset. It just makes me very neurotic."

(Wait, could you please direct me to ANY vampire EVER that is even REMOTELY like The Cullings, sorry, Cullens?)

"The worst I can remember happened at my appearance in Toronto. A girl (who must
have sat in line all day to get the seat she had) asked during the Q&A how I
could write such an antifeminist main character and if I wasn't ashamed of
myself for letting young girls read my misogynist works. I don't get that. I
mean, I've gotten that question from reporters and seen it online various
places, and I think I can defend myself ably. What I don't get is why you would
come out to a signing for an author you hated, let alone stand out in the cold
all day to get in. People are odd. "

(You think you can defend yourself? Then DO IT.)

"I don't think my books qualify to be Oprah books. I think you have to take on
bigger issues than Vampire/Werewolf love to make her interested. I don't have
any incest, adultery, spousal abuse, mental disease, molestation, anorexia, suicide, cutting, etc. Which is why I won't ever get the Printz
award either."

(I'm sorry, did you READ your second book? Oh wait, I get it. Attempting suicide is okay as long as the character doesn't go through with it. Great message, Meyer.)

For those of you wondering how to join the BaD protest, especially with our first author (and that's up for debate) on the list... Don't buy the books, don't buy the merch (tee shirts, pencils, whatever) and may I suggest you start researching Meyer in a bit more detail.

Please stop writing and start reading, Smeyer, and then once you're done reading, process the information and ask yourself "Does that sound like cheap fanfiction? Do I seem like I'm dry humping a thesaurus?"

The answer is yes, Meyer, yes you do.